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Quote:

Originally posted by trisherina
slightly more mature yumminess

Eu De' Dirt, only $39.50...gotta love it.

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?

Fvcking _talented!

"Anyway, I also (just to add another opinion) think you should TRY to do
it on a week night, so you are not tempted to dip too far into the
bottle and the night can end relatively early. Or, F that, and do it on
a Friday so you can see his apartment and what he looks like in the
morning with a hangover. You'll also find out how he feels when you
light up a cigarette first thing in the morning with your mascara
running down your cheeks."

the best dui stop ever had me in stitches.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy

If someone does something unspeakably horrible, kill him in a way which will ensure that he will come back as an unstoppable force of evil.

Always find some pretext to change into native dress. It's sexier and more becoming than your regular gear, and no matter how grungy it gets, it'll always rip in the right places.

When a body rots, its teeth go bad, too.

Beetles squeak.

Guns do work against the undead.

They work against beetles, too. Well, they don't actually work, per se, but shooting swarms of beetles is satisfying in its own way.

When in doubt, kiss the bad guy.

Remember to bring along at least two potential female romantic leads. That way you have a 50% chance that your beloved won't turn out to be the reincarnation of a long-dead evil nasty.

There are actually five canopic jars in a set, not the four that most books say. The fifth jar was always made of solid gold, which is why museums never got their hands on any.

The Egyptians had books. All that mucking about with scrolls was for the tourist trade.

Quicksand can form in the high desert.

Scarab beetles are extremely dangerous.

Everything Else I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy Returns

Gold is light.

Scarab beetles are very, very, very, very extremely dangerous.

Snakes, on the other hand, are mostly harmless and best used as projectile weapons.

Packing off your child to a cold, unloving, regimented English boarding school is cruel and heartless. Take him with you and abandon him for hours at a time in the bottom of archaeological excavations instead.

Don't bother listening to your child. If you do, the movie will be about ten minutes long, and no one will die in ways requiring special effects.

The less armor, the better. The most naked man wins.

"They are all bastards.. stupid sick bastards" - peace studies prof.

Quote:

Originally posted by Spicy Jack
so tonight we went to a nice dinner place (table clothes, menu in french, bill in the triple digits for 2) anyhow...for an appetizer we order the ahi in a chilled avacado soup with smoked gouda. the plate arrives and it looks like split pea soup with a large pile of chopped tomatos and two bread balls. so we both taste it. it is delicious, but we look at each other and are wondering where the tuna is and the gouda :( we think the tuna may be baked into the mysterious bread ball thingies. we poke it a bit, still mystified my friend proceeds to ask the waiter where the tuna is. He points to "the tomatos" and says "Well, they are right here sir" It took a few seconds to register, but what we thought was tomatos was the tuna. I was about to die...then I started chuckling, which snowballed into laughing with tears streaming down my face. Needless to say, we felt like total morons and wanted to run.

That is not all.

Then we are eating the "bread ball thingys" and again, we both look at each other and agree it tastes like there is bacon in them. We both do not eat pork, so we leave it alone and the waiter comes by and we ask if there is bacon in the bread thingys. He tells us no, but there is gouda in there. *click* Smoked gouda! He tells us that is what we must have thought tasted like bacon. Good Lord we are stupid and far beyond embaressed, to the point that it no longer matters.

Then I thought my turnips tasted like potatos and was sure it was all a conspiracy and they wanted to make us look dumb.

:o :(

anyways...that is my horrible embaressing story. i shall hand my head in shame now.

Me: (trying to get in bed) Roll over. You're on my side. Make room.

My sister: (passed out in my bed fully clothed after drinking 7 beers and 2 shots of Jager in an hour and a half): Bleh wha?

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I am. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: Ok. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I AM! (not moving)

Me: ROLL OVER!

Sister: (silence)

Me: (shaking sister): ROLL. OVER.

Sister: (silence).

Me: (shaking sister violently). ROLL OVER!!!!

Sister: long silence. Then, "Yeah. Okay. I am." (not moving)

Me: (turning on light). ROLL THE FVCK OVER I WANT TO GO TO BED!!!

Sister: Mleh.

Me: Roll. Over. Roll. Over. Roll. Over. (shaking sister)

Sister: (opening eyes): Huh?

Me: Roll over!

Sister: Was THAT what that was all about????!!!!! (rolls over, and then gets out of bed to go to bathroom).

(Sister come back from bathroom, and I ever-so-kindly help her change into loaned t-shirt and sweatpants. Sister passes back out.)

THIS MORNING:

(Sister): Melissa??

Me: Wha?

Sister: Did I change clothes last night?

Me: (explains)

Sister: I'm so glad I was here last night because I have no idea what happened.

Me: (thinking I'm WAAAYYYY too nice of a big sister.)

Yah.

AHHHHHHHHHH!

Talking to doctor on the phone regarding a health concern...

Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

:D

heheheheh....I am so not telling!:D

Quote:

Originally posted by Magpie
Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

All I could think of was *finger in corner of mouth*--*POP*