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Hyakujo's Fox 11-12-2004 03:22 AM

One evening a woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They get to talking, and one thing leading to another, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. When she goes into the bedroom she finds it completely packed with hundreds of sweet cuddly teddy bears. Dozens of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, then more cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous fluffy bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that a guy would have such a huge collection of teddy bears, and not think anything of letting a woman see it, but she decides not to say anyting to him since she is actually quite impressed by a guy with such a sensitive side to himself.

So eventually they kiss, then undress and spend the night making love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, lying there together in the afterglow, she rolls over and says to the guy, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

And the guy says...

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

zenbabe 11-12-2004 03:29 AM

Lately, at the grocery store..there have been bands of people that the cops look out for...they come up to you and ask for some change...then when you reach to get some from your purse..they snatch it...jerks...

Anywho...I see the same ones outside all the time...and I know they see me....*does fokers fork eyes*

So one of them follows me to my car, is walking behind me and catches up and says "can I ask you a silly question?" I looked at him and said "you just did" and kept walking...he stopped in his tracks for a second...then turned around and walked back to the front of the store...I don't think he knew what to say....or even got it for a second or two...

I guess you had to be there.....but I am going to say that from now on anytime somebody asks me that...............

:D

trisherina 11-12-2004 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sparticle
... the people who need the lessons would never believe that they are the people who need the lessons.

Klynne 11-12-2004 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dinzdale
Paddy the famous Irishman borrows his mates car to drive home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says..........

Fer Feck's sake, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

HAHAHA. I liked this one!

Magpie 11-15-2004 09:51 PM

Zen: "I wish I was getting some sweet, hot lovin'"

Topcat: "i wish i was in san diego givin zen what she needs"

:D

bealeblues 11-16-2004 03:54 PM

the look on everyone's face when i burst out of my office singing "i will never be untrue" by the doors at 8:30 this morning....

i dont speak in the morning, much less sing.... (and yes, i know i can't sing, so shut up dinz)

AllegroNg 11-16-2004 04:26 PM

The email that my sister sent her husband this morn:

Subject: lint in the loofa
>
> Matt,
> There was ball lent on the loofa this morning. I know your new undies
> give you excessive lent, but can you please wash your balls with your
> hands instead of the loofa. I spent a lot of time that I really didn't

> have trying to get it out this AM. Or if you do use the loofa pick the

> lent out of it before you get out of the shower. If you need different

> underwear let me know and I will pick some up for you....
> Love you!
>

sparticle 11-16-2004 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by AllegroNg
The email that my sister sent her husband this morn:

Subject: lint in the loofa
>
> Matt,
> There was ball lent on the loofa this morning. I know your new undies
> give you excessive lent, but can you please wash your balls with your
> hands instead of the loofa. I spent a lot of time that I really didn't

> have trying to get it out this AM. Or if you do use the loofa pick the

> lent out of it before you get out of the shower. If you need different

> underwear let me know and I will pick some up for you....
> Love you!
>

Oh no she didn't! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

sparticle 11-17-2004 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by trisherina
I have stuck people with some doozies... one year, I got rid of a beauty that would henceforth always be known as "the humping ducks." It was a weird ceramic plaque featuring one duck behind the other in an undeniably suggestive pose, with the word "WELCOME" arched over them. Another year I wound up with Jalalabad chicken, a hideous creature who makes a fine garden decoration for scaring the unwary. I found out who the perpetrator of the Jalalabad chicken fiasco was, and made sure she got my next little treasure: a "resin" plaque reading "Jesus is the reason for the season." Not surprisingly, all the Islamic and Sikh women who make up a large part of our program's staff kept giving it away. Ah, the dorsal striatum.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Clytie 11-17-2004 12:58 PM

A drunk priest who was arrested after committing four
offences within an hour in Croatia claims his drink was
spiked. Father Josip Stefancic, 35, from Slunj, who
was celebrating St Martin's Day, allegedly hit a fellow
drinker in a restaurant and brandished a rifle in front
of terrified diners. After leaving the restaurant, he
allegedly caused a car crash and then insulted police
officers when he refused to take a breath test. But
the priest now claims that someone must have spiked
his drink as he dined with friends, local daily Vecernji
List reported. He said: "Someone must have put
something in my drink. I only had a few glasses of
wine and I doubt I could get that drunk from that
amount of alcoho

Audreyvgs 11-17-2004 02:26 PM

My sister this am:


"Jesus Christ, There's chickens on my stairs!!! They don't have any respect!!!!"

sparticle 11-17-2004 02:55 PM

OMG, Aud! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!

If I see any respectful chickens, I shall be sure to send you pictures.

madasacutsnake 11-18-2004 01:55 AM

[quote]Originally posted by Audreyvgs
[b]Dear so and so.

It's been a month now since I ordered from you, is there a problem?

audrey


Dear Audrey

I cant believe that you did not recieve the airmailed package. Please advise.
Jens.



Dear Jens.

I am advising you that i did not recieve the package.

audrey

trisherina 11-18-2004 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lapietra


lapietra 11-18-2004 05:44 PM

hee hee hee hee heeee...

me too :D

zenbabe 11-19-2004 03:31 AM

hahahahahha!
 
I was just talking to me mum and she told me a story about how she was teaching her class of 7th graders and farted during mid-lesson. She tried to blow it off like maybe nobody heard it until one of the boys "who never lets things drop' made a comment about it.

So she pinned it on him and the class started laughing and she just went on with the lesson....HHAHAHAHA!

Frieda 11-19-2004 06:06 PM

i laughed today

MUHHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAA


when i was on my hoverboat racing through the canals avoiding bombs dropped by a helicopter.. nice james bond music.. MUHAAAHAHAHAHA!! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOO :D

best 60 euros ever spent :)

priceyfatprude 11-20-2004 06:18 AM

Today? The instructions on my Cipro!
 
Patients should be advised:

1. to drink fluids liberally and not to take antacids containing magnesium, aluminum or calcium;

2. to discontinue ciproflaxin at the first sign of an allergic reaction;

3. of a possible decrease in mental alertness & coordination.

trisherina 11-20-2004 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by 12"razormix


agentsmith 11-20-2004 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by trisherina

madasacutsnake 11-21-2004 10:40 PM

Overheard at the Old Folk's Home.

Television: Scientists are investigating the latest breakthrough in stem cell research which could provide cures for many diseases and even halt the ageing process.....

92 year old lady: There's hope for us all yet then.

trisherina 11-22-2004 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bealeblues
but i bet stuart didn't throw up with motorhead on several occasions....
Quote:

Originally posted by rmr
^^^ true and on second thought -- how rich is he???

Gatsby 11-22-2004 04:23 PM

"You Make Kitty Scared"

ROTFLMAO. That made my morning. I about spat coffee all over my laptop.

bealeblues 11-22-2004 04:24 PM

originally posted by rimmer:

hello? nobody's there

Spicy Jack 11-22-2004 06:57 PM

regarding the sacrilicious grilled cheese sammie:

Quote:

Originally posted by Saxifrage
Only Jebus can save us now.
Quote:

Originally posted by Zenbabe
It would be perfect if they could find him in some tomato soup!

funkytuba 11-23-2004 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
But, as it turns out, koalas are fiercely territorial, and will shout threats at intruders ("YOU'VE GOT TEN HOURS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TREE, DAMMIT!!!!"). [...] Get out of my tree. Brrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaapppppp.

:p

rmr 11-23-2004 01:20 PM

actually it was last night but the talking dog on lettermen CRACKED me up

red 11-23-2004 01:23 PM

listening to npr.
they had excerpts from Seinfeld on.
I watched that show so often I knew what they were saying with the sound off.
It's been quite awhile since I've seen (or heard) an eppie.
hearing them again actually made my day start off right.

dinzdale 11-23-2004 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by zero
when you wake up what particular room you happen to be in will mean nothing to you whatsoever, you won't fvcking care about rooms. okay.


priceyfatprude 11-23-2004 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by rmr
you say tomato and i say dirty sanchez :)
This still makes me laugh.

Smartypants 11-24-2004 01:51 AM

From the "It's a Donkey" Thread, LAUGH-OUT-LOUD-CHOKE-ON-FOOD funny!!:

from the snake:

However, it seemed that the donkey's leg was broken. The vet ordered that the donkey be suspended in a flotation tank to allow the leg to heal. Coincidentally, a week later, the priest also broke his leg. The doctor was so impressed with the way the tank had helped the donkey that he ordered the same treatment.

The headline read:
PRIEST HUNG LIKE DONKEY


...and from funky ...


So the priest and the donkey went home but wanderlust still lurked in the donkey's soul so he hit the road. He wandered up a mountain to the place where the giants live. Now these giants were a gentle sort and their leader knew the donkey needed to be returned so he picked up the donkey, carried it down the mountain with his three-member giant posse and gave it to the priest, who, while not a giant, was rather beefy himself.

Headlines read:
PADRE GETS HIS OWN ASS HANDED TO HIM BY GIANTS - 4-1


The donkey got loose again, and found himself at the Republican Convention. Bush, Cheney, Chambliss, DeLay, Gingrich all were there. When the donkey had the temerity to bring up their service in the armed forces, they started kicking him relentlessly until he fled in haste.

Headlines read:
DODGERS KICK PADRE'S ASS 5-0

chuckie egg 11-24-2004 12:11 PM

Proud to be British!
 
Be very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................

RULE BRITANNIA!!

Frieda 11-24-2004 01:59 PM

i must be living in britain! :eek:

ally 11-24-2004 02:40 PM

OK, I really am brit...

daverbee 11-24-2004 02:50 PM

Re: Proud to be British!
 
Quote:

Originally posted by chuckie egg
Be very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................

RULE BRITANNIA!!

Sounds like a pretty accurate description of life in the Southern United States. Who let y'all join?

rmr 11-24-2004 03:24 PM

someone just asked me if i was over-worked and i said "yes, and crabby".....he then said "that's the nicest way anyone has ever told me to fvck off"

Smartypants 11-24-2004 05:09 PM

Re: Proud to be British!
 
Quote:

Originally posted by chuckie egg
Be very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... do they steal self-deprectation lists from the United States... :p

chuckie egg 11-24-2004 05:26 PM

Re: Re: Proud to be British!
 
Quote:

Originally posted by Smartypants
Only in Britain ... do they steal self-deprectation lists from the United States... :p
probably! hehe! :D

madasacutsnake 11-26-2004 11:03 PM

My old Dad is getting forgetful but he stilll likes to play with cars. A couple of months ago he lost his mobile phone. Email today:

I found my lost mobile phone under a Riley wheel.

zenbabe 11-26-2004 11:13 PM

HAHHAHA!


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