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daverbee 02-13-2007 12:27 PM

A North Carolina Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch one day, driking his morning coffee. A huge truck with a drilling rig on the back pulled into his front yard.
Two men got out of the truck and approached him. One of the men said, "We represent the Such-and-Such Oil Company and we were wondering if we could drill some test holes on your property. We won't disturb anything you're doing, your land may end up being very valuable, and if not we'll still give you $5,000 for your troubles."
The Hillbilly thought for a while and finally told the men they could drill all they wanted.
About a week later, he was again sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee when the men pulled up in the truck again. They got out and one of the men said, "I'm sorry to tell you we didn't find any indication of oil on your property but we'll be glad to issue a $5,000 check to you."
The Hillbilly asked, "How deep are them holes you'uns dig?"
"About seven hundred feet, straight down."
"Tell you what. Go behind my house and you'll find a little, bitty house with a quarter moon cut outta the door. Drill me one o' them holes and then put that little house on top of it and you can keep your money. While you're at it, you can fill the hole it's sittin' on now."
The men agreed and went to work. The Hillbilly was content in the fact he would never have to dig another outhouse hole as long as he lived.
The next morning, the Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee. His son came around from the back of the house and said, "Daddy, you might wanna come out back!"
"Why, son, what is it?"
"Well, it's Momma. She's sittin' in the outhouse with this real funny look on her face and she's beginnin' to turn blue!"
The Hillbilly thought about that for a while and finally chuckled to himself.
"Son, there ain't nothin' wrong with your Momma. She just likes to hold her breath 'til it hits bottom!"

zenbabe 02-14-2007 06:32 PM

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma > Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Feb 14:24 PST

email this posting to a friend



Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

Brynn 02-14-2007 08:32 PM

Serves her right, but the guy's story doesn't make him look as good as he thinks it does. Sounds like he's overcompensating for something. This is a player who keeps his vasectomy secret just for the occasional flourish and chuckle...:rolleyes: Nice. Makes me wonder how many he did father and abandon before the big V - or even if he actually needed one in the first place.

craig johnston 02-14-2007 08:39 PM

yeah, that's just depressing

:(

Brynn 02-14-2007 09:11 PM


madasacutsnake 02-14-2007 10:10 PM

You know the story isn't true becuse some-one with such a tiny dick would have trouble with getting laid in the first place.

ambo 02-14-2007 10:33 PM


Jack Flanders 02-15-2007 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brynn

OMG ewww!

zenbabe 02-15-2007 05:07 AM


FJeff 02-18-2007 12:11 PM


Marcus Bales 02-18-2007 05:31 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRjVeRbhtRU

Odbe 02-19-2007 05:14 AM

My friends, passing notes in class today...

Cassie: by the way, Amy's reading these notes as she passes them
Jack: Oh, then we'd better not talk about anything sus. Like our illicit love affair. Or your teen pregnancy.
Cassie: You mean YOUR teen pregnancy. I could make things hard for you, you know. I know secrets you wouldn't want me to tell people... Jacqueline!!

Brynn 02-20-2007 06:20 PM

^that is funny:)


Ask Calvin's Dad

Calvin's dad answering questions, quoted from various Calvin and Hobbes books by Bill Watterson.

Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.

Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.

Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

Frieda 02-21-2007 01:54 PM


ShopaholicChick 02-22-2007 04:59 PM

Test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify.


The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be considered a person of high caliber.
Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult.

But don't read down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.

zero 02-22-2007 09:13 PM

ban yourself

Brynn 02-24-2007 10:28 PM

This made me smile and feel really happy...

Amazing Subway Concert

Jack Flanders 02-25-2007 02:50 AM

That was sooo cool!! :eek:

Brynn 02-25-2007 12:13 PM

^I love how some of the other passengers resist as long as humanly possible, but soon they can't help it :)



chalkfight

FJeff 02-25-2007 11:03 PM


ambo 02-26-2007 02:23 AM

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare . "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Jack Flanders 02-26-2007 02:32 AM

Big belly laugh -hahaha!!!!

trisherina 02-26-2007 10:37 AM

Ewan McGregor on Top Gear. But I can't find the youtube clip. :confused:

daverbee 03-03-2007 03:26 PM


Max Headroom 03-03-2007 03:29 PM

Hair clippings included!!

ambo 03-04-2007 02:16 PM

A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

auntie aubrey 03-04-2007 07:23 PM

some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.

Avalon 03-04-2007 08:44 PM

Yeah, I'm easily entertained .....
 
David Letterman's Top Ten:
Messages Left On Britney Spearsí Answering Machine

10. "Itís Bill Clinton. I hear youíre confused and vulnerable.
Call me."

9. "Hi, Britney. Good news ó we now have a revolving door at
the rehab center."

8. "Al Gore here. Youíre contributing to global warming
because your new look is hot!"

7. "Itís K-Fed. Who woulda thought Iíd look like the
responsible one?"

6. "Itís Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix
the mess on Donaldís head?"

5. "Iím calling from ĎAmerican Idolí: Would you like to
replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?"


4. "NASA calling ó we think you might be astronaut material."

3. "Carol Channing here, I want my wig back, bitch!"


2. "Hey, itís Paris. Are we still on for sluttiní it up
this weekend?"

1. "This is the hair salon. You left your underpants here."

Hyakujo's Fox 03-05-2007 01:58 AM


AllegroNg 03-07-2007 03:20 PM

Shake It Don't Break It..
 
Is it art?
Will you laugh? Or cry?


daverbee 03-08-2007 10:19 AM

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No,"
he replied, "Arthritis."

Jaime 03-09-2007 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by auntie aubrey
some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.

Haha, that's a great story. :)

trisherina 03-10-2007 10:33 PM


lostsadie 03-10-2007 10:48 PM

Quote:

shake it don't break it
That made me Laugh...

But, once I was invited to baby shower(never seen anything like it), there was a cooler of beer, men, and a bunch of toddlers. We were in the MS delta. Anyhow, they put on the music and I was shown by a three year old how that is done. She was still in diapers. That made me want to cry. ( BTW, she was really good at it)

beckstra 03-11-2007 01:10 AM


lostsadie 03-11-2007 11:13 PM


trisherina 03-12-2007 01:18 AM

chicken chicken

zenbabe 03-12-2007 03:36 PM

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You
have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose
herself and walk into the waiting room, where her
daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In
this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's
head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There

were some laughs and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The
friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had
a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were
dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you
were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches
sleeping with your father after I'm gone.

Odbe 03-12-2007 04:14 PM

In the morning the garbage truck rolled past and emptied my neighbour's bins. Her two toddlers came running out of the house to gleefully peek into the bins and see if the rubbish was gone.

Is this the new 'leave food out for the spirits and see if they take it'?
It was damn cute though.

Hyakujo's Fox 03-18-2007 07:04 PM



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