Outsourcing the Presidency to India
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of May 31, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of March 22, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the out-placement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome. |
Having just come from a company where 95% of the IT department was outsourced to India, this really struck a funny bone
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that's so mean!!!
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yep, but you laughed, didn't you?
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Needs to be quoted in full:
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my gay best friend, commenting on how we've moved up in the world:
'we've gone from hoi polloi to hoity toity' |
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You sick bastard!!! (I'm still laughing, damn you.) :o :o |
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Reading The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus. In the intro, he discovers the fun of writing in the passive voice.
"The room was walked into by a man by whom strong, handsome features were had. A woman was met by him. The bed was lain upon by her. Then the bed was lain upon by him. Clothing was removed from them both. Sex was had. Climax was acheved. Afterward, cigarettes were smoked by them. Suddenly, the door was opened by the husband of the woman by whom the bed was lain upon. Some screams were screamed and angry words exchanged. Jealousy was felt by the man by whom the gun was held. Firing of the gun was done by him. The flying of bullets took place. Impact was felt by bodies. Remorse was then felt by the man by whom the gun was held. The gun was turned upon himself. "And the rest, as they say, is forensics." |
Hi, wat's up?
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i recieved a private message today on yahoo - i changed the names -
Him: hi theres your really hot Me: thanks asl Him: 62/m...you looking for a good time this afternoon with a mature man Me: your older then my mother thats disgusting goodbye Him: shut up you poopy head Me: how mature - you sure your not 12?? I put him on ignore at that point - apparently he messaged another girl in the same chat room and when she called him an old man he called her "doody breath" |
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a friend's mother wrote a mail describing spring in her garden. the usual sort of thing, this budding and that blooming etc.
she wrote; '....and there's a wren building in the creeper' he replied; 'what, like st paul's cathedral?' :D |
my friends aunt was telling me about how she once had a conversation with one of her friends about gandhi. her friend's daughter looked up, and asked 'gandhi warhol?'
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That is hilarious! Had to can myself. Still am. Great stuff, those lovely insults. |
goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)
my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know). after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair. and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly. after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair. I laughed for 2 hours straight... P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it :) |
Over the weekend, my friend and I hosted our monthly Dessert Club meeting, and I decided to make chocolate-chunk banana bread. While I was making the batter, my husband wandered through the kitchen and said, "GROSS!! It looks like you barfed in a bowl, and now you're gonna bake it!" A little later on when my friend arrived with her sinfully rich chocolate cherry cake with fudge icing, she giggled as she removed the foil cover. When I asked why she was laughing, she said that her husband wandered through the kitchen while she was icing the cake and said, "Ew. That looks like turd casserole!" Then I told her what my husband said, and we had a good laugh....we're married to a couple of morons!
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Good night, Gracie. :rolleyes: ;) |
from "Inside Relational Databases" by Mark Whitehorn and Bill Marklyn
"So far I have skated delicately around the definition of a relational database. It is really tempting to believe that the use of multiple tables marks the transition to a relational database. Indeed, I have read several times that a 'relational' database is so called because it allows you to 'relate' information held in different tables. How can I put this politely? This information is not correct. It is wrong. It is horribly wrong. Anyone who tells you this is incorrect. Regard anything that they tell you in the future with the deepest suspicion. If they try to sell you anything, say nothing, smile sweetly and walk carefully away."
eta: Reminds me of John Cleese in the "dead parrot" sketch... :D |
That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.
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DO NOT CLICK HERE unless you have lots of time to piss away.
(And you're in a place where your laughter won't embarrass the hell out of you.) |
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 (It's an introduction to a chapter about Codd's rules... so he has to be very specific.  ) |
Thanks Smarty. That was fun !
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^^ From that same Web site:
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yeah so don't anyone EVER accuse smarts of posting really short messages OK??? Or else .
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I got to quit my job today. That made me laugh. One of those maniacal laughs.
Mwahahahahah...! |
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Joe's Headache
Joe had suffered from an extreme headache for many years. He had seen many doctors, but none had helped. Finally, he decided to try one more, a specialist who had a great reputation for curing headaches. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" New suit = $600 New shirt = $36 New underwear = $6 Second opinion PRICELESS. |
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^^^
hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa |
The closed captioning on CNN this morning read:
"Surrey England where the diseased Elrod Hubbard..." Spin faster L. Ron, alien freak spawner:p |
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted out to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!" The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 30 feet above sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitutde." The woman rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat." "Yah, I am," said the man. "But how did you know?" "Well," she answered, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help to me." The man smirked and responded, "You must be a Republican." "Yes, I am," the balloonist replied. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air, you've made a promise you have no idea how to keep then expect me to solve your problem for you, and you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, it's now my fault." |
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