One evening a woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They get to talking, and one thing leading to another, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. When she goes into the bedroom she finds it completely packed with hundreds of sweet cuddly teddy bears. Dozens of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, then more cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous fluffy bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that a guy would have such a huge collection of teddy bears, and not think anything of letting a woman see it, but she decides not to say anyting to him since she is actually quite impressed by a guy with such a sensitive side to himself.

So eventually they kiss, then undress and spend the night making love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, lying there together in the afterglow, she rolls over and says to the guy, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

And the guy says...

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Lately, at the grocery store..there have been bands of people that the cops look out for...they come up to you and ask for some change...then when you reach to get some from your purse..they snatch it...jerks...

Anywho...I see the same ones outside all the time...and I know they see me....*does fokers fork eyes*

So one of them follows me to my car, is walking behind me and catches up and says "can I ask you a silly question?" I looked at him and said "you just did" and kept walking...he stopped in his tracks for a second...then turned around and walked back to the front of the store...I don't think he knew what to say....or even got it for a second or two...

I guess you had to be there.....but I am going to say that from now on anytime somebody asks me that...............

:D

HAHAHA. I liked this one!

Zen: "I wish I was getting some sweet, hot lovin'"

Topcat: "i wish i was in san diego givin zen what she needs"

:D

the look on everyone's face when i burst out of my office singing "i will never be untrue" by the doors at 8:30 this morning....

i dont speak in the morning, much less sing.... (and yes, i know i can't sing, so shut up dinz)

The email that my sister sent her husband this morn:

Subject: lint in the loofa
>
> Matt,
> There was ball lent on the loofa this morning. I know your new undies
> give you excessive lent, but can you please wash your balls with your
> hands instead of the loofa. I spent a lot of time that I really didn't

> have trying to get it out this AM. Or if you do use the loofa pick the

> lent out of it before you get out of the shower. If you need different

> underwear let me know and I will pick some up for you....
> Love you!
>

Oh no she didn't! HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

A drunk priest who was arrested after committing four
offences within an hour in Croatia claims his drink was
spiked. Father Josip Stefancic, 35, from Slunj, who
was celebrating St Martin's Day, allegedly hit a fellow
drinker in a restaurant and brandished a rifle in front
of terrified diners. After leaving the restaurant, he
allegedly caused a car crash and then insulted police
officers when he refused to take a breath test. But
the priest now claims that someone must have spiked
his drink as he dined with friends, local daily Vecernji
List reported. He said: "Someone must have put
something in my drink. I only had a few glasses of
wine and I doubt I could get that drunk from that
amount of alcoho

My sister this am:


"Jesus Christ, There's chickens on my stairs!!! They don't have any respect!!!!"

OMG, Aud! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!

If I see any respectful chickens, I shall be sure to send you pictures.

[quote]Originally posted by Audreyvgs
[b]Dear so and so.

It's been a month now since I ordered from you, is there a problem?

audrey


Dear Audrey

I cant believe that you did not recieve the airmailed package. Please advise.
Jens.



Dear Jens.

I am advising you that i did not recieve the package.

audrey

hee hee hee hee heeee...

me too :D

hahahahahha!
 

I was just talking to me mum and she told me a story about how she was teaching her class of 7th graders and farted during mid-lesson. She tried to blow it off like maybe nobody heard it until one of the boys "who never lets things drop' made a comment about it.

So she pinned it on him and the class started laughing and she just went on with the lesson....HHAHAHAHA!

i laughed today

MUHHAHAHAAAHAAAHAHAHAA


when i was on my hoverboat racing through the canals avoiding bombs dropped by a helicopter.. nice james bond music.. MUHAAAHAHAHAHA!! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOO :D

best 60 euros ever spent :)

Today? The instructions on my Cipro!
 

Patients should be advised:

1. to drink fluids liberally and not to take antacids containing magnesium, aluminum or calcium;

2. to discontinue ciproflaxin at the first sign of an allergic reaction;

3. of a possible decrease in mental alertness & coordination.

Overheard at the Old Folk's Home.

Television: Scientists are investigating the latest breakthrough in stem cell research which could provide cures for many diseases and even halt the ageing process.....

92 year old lady: There's hope for us all yet then.

"You Make Kitty Scared"

ROTFLMAO. That made my morning. I about spat coffee all over my laptop.

originally posted by rimmer:

hello? nobody's there

regarding the sacrilicious grilled cheese sammie:

:p

actually it was last night but the talking dog on lettermen CRACKED me up

listening to npr.
they had excerpts from Seinfeld on.
I watched that show so often I knew what they were saying with the sound off.
It's been quite awhile since I've seen (or heard) an eppie.
hearing them again actually made my day start off right.

This still makes me laugh.

From the "It's a Donkey" Thread, LAUGH-OUT-LOUD-CHOKE-ON-FOOD funny!!:

from the snake:

However, it seemed that the donkey's leg was broken. The vet ordered that the donkey be suspended in a flotation tank to allow the leg to heal. Coincidentally, a week later, the priest also broke his leg. The doctor was so impressed with the way the tank had helped the donkey that he ordered the same treatment.

The headline read:
PRIEST HUNG LIKE DONKEY


...and from funky ...


So the priest and the donkey went home but wanderlust still lurked in the donkey's soul so he hit the road. He wandered up a mountain to the place where the giants live. Now these giants were a gentle sort and their leader knew the donkey needed to be returned so he picked up the donkey, carried it down the mountain with his three-member giant posse and gave it to the priest, who, while not a giant, was rather beefy himself.

Headlines read:
PADRE GETS HIS OWN ASS HANDED TO HIM BY GIANTS - 4-1


The donkey got loose again, and found himself at the Republican Convention. Bush, Cheney, Chambliss, DeLay, Gingrich all were there. When the donkey had the temerity to bring up their service in the armed forces, they started kicking him relentlessly until he fled in haste.

Headlines read:
DODGERS KICK PADRE'S ASS 5-0

Proud to be British!
 

Be very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................

RULE BRITANNIA!!

i must be living in britain! :eek:

OK, I really am brit...

Re: Proud to be British!
 

Sounds like a pretty accurate description of life in the Southern United States. Who let y'all join?

someone just asked me if i was over-worked and i said "yes, and crabby".....he then said "that's the nicest way anyone has ever told me to fvck off"

Re: Proud to be British!
 

Only in Britain ... do they steal self-deprectation lists from the United States... :p

Re: Re: Proud to be British!
 

probably! hehe! :D

My old Dad is getting forgetful but he stilll likes to play with cars. A couple of months ago he lost his mobile phone. Email today:

I found my lost mobile phone under a Riley wheel.