Because Jesus might tell you do stuff...
Can you dig it? - 24
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2005-05-17, 8:22AM PDT
Before I get into what Iím looking for, itís only fair
that I give a little info on my background situation.
We all have a unique story to tell and I
can only hope that mine will generate a response from
the empathetic soul mate we all so unfathomably search
A few years ago I was heavily into drugs. You name it
and I probably snorted it off a public toilet seat.
But those days are long over. The hinge of my newfound
life came in part through tragedy. When I was heavily
dosed with an unbeknownst amount of LSD I took it upon
myself to try to end world hunger by repeatedly
beating myself in the head with a tire iron and then
jumping off a third floor window into traffic. It
seemed like a good idea at the time, but alas, it was
not. After waking up in the hospital after a six
month coma, I began having the visions.
People, including family and respected doctors, have
gone through great lengths to discourage the
authenticity of these ďvisionsĒ, telling me that a
mixture of psychedelic drugs and extreme brain trauma
could bring about such hallucinations. But itís all
condescending nonsense to me. Jesus told me so.
Jesus tells me lots of things and boy oh boy do I listen.
Why? Cause heís the freakiní son of God, thatís why.
And I know Iím not the only one.
Anyway, when Jesus told me to change myself into a
woman, I didnít think twice about it. I went to the
doctor and had my tally wank cut and split and started
taking hormone pills. Now only about 2 out
of 5 people can tell I used to be a man, which is an
amazing triumph for me. Of course I do miss peeing standing
up, because letís face it, peeing standing up rules!
So now that you have some idea where Iím coming from,
this is what Iím looking for. Since I stand at about
6í2 and like to wear heals, Iíll need a man that is at
least 6í5. No exceptions! Athletic career minded
individuals get top priority. Beards and stigmatas are a
big turn on. You must love Jesus, or at least really like him.
I will be telling him all about you and itís important
that you stay good in our Saviorís book. Donít ever make
me chose between you and Jesus. You will lose. Remember that
you and I get old, but Jesus stays the same age. Also
on a quick side note: Jesus is neither black nor white,
but in fact Asian, Iím guessing Taiwanese or Laotian, but Iím
not totally sure.
I enjoy going out or staying in. Movies and hiking are great.
Doing whatever Jesus tells me to do is also great, so you
should have no qualms about dropping everything to volunteer
to picking up trash or, in some cases, stomping the life out
of the occasional homeless person on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Itís all his will so itís all good. I donít dig much on Satan,
bad breath, or cats. Other than that Iím pretty flexible.
If youíve made it through my long winded personal and think there
might be some chemistry between us, please do not hesitate to
e-mail me. I plan on chilliní with the Christ man around 8pm
tonight so holla at me for a holy threesome. BYO blood and
P.S No Fatties!!!
* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
*nooooOOO -- please Jesus, do NOT transmit this posting into outer space..what will the neighbors think?