Letters that get me through the day.

[craig johnston]

dear brynn,
listen to the birds singing.
cj

[brightpearl]

Dear Cafe Latte,
Isn't it enough that I think you're delicious? Must you tempt me at all hours of the day and night with your silky foam, your haunting aroma? You know that your caffeinated charms are too much for me to resist when I haven't had enough sleep, and yet you have no mercy. One sip, and my homocystine levels rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my once-healthy arteries. You're bad for my heart.

I know you think that dressing yourself up in a sexy iced cup is going to change my mind now that the weather's gotten warm, but I don't need you. I can do this alone. And by the way, I lied about enjoying that threesome with chocolate.

Sincerely,
Brightpearl

PS I'm going out with Coke now.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Red Lobster Waitress,

Your tip is 100% dependent on keeping that damn basket of cheddar bay biscuits full. Next time I will tell you that when you come to take our drink orders. None of this, "I'll bring them out when I bring the salads" & then disappearing for 30 minutes until we're ready to put your face on a milk carton. You need to know that me & my girls chose your restaurant in the school of, "there will be biscuits on the table from the moment we sit down to the moment we leave" You failed this one, honey. You are lucky I used to serve & never leave less than 20%.



Dear self,

Don't order the stuffed flounder or the snow crab next time. Bluh.

Also, when K-Lo talks you into stopping at the cheesecake factory for dessert, it's important to remember: you do not like cheesecake. Even when it's chocolate. Get that chocolate cake thing instead.

You have to go to vehicle emissions tomorrow before work. You have to park & go in & get paperwork. Leave yourself a good hour.

-me

[Frieda]

dear mr. chiropractor,

ow.
ouch ow ow ouch.
i'm feeling very bruised. this better be helping! don't give me this bs about needing pain to solve pain.. and be careful with that hammer.

thanks,
me

[Frieda]

dear dr. K,

thanks for pushing me to have my neck x-rayed. im pretty sure that if i had a cracked vertebra as you suspected, i wouldn't have survived today at mr. chiropractor's office. he uses a hammer!

thanks,
me

[karma_queen]

dear mum,

please say you were telling the truth when you used to tell me that if i slept with my school books underneath my pillow, the knowledge would somehow get into my brain. it seems much easier than reading them.

grumble.

love kq x

[Brynn]

Originally Posted by craig johnston

dear brynn,
listen to the birds singing.
cj

dear cj -
yes
thanks
you're right of course
it's easy to
forget
b

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Xopenex,

It's not that I don't appreciate your bronchio-dilating miraculousness. I enjoy consciousness and I like to have oxygen attached to my hemoglobin; really, I do. But if there's a way you could manage that without keeping me up all night, shaking like a crackhead driving a Yugo at top speed down a bumpy road in an earthquake, that would be great.

Cheers,
Brightpearl

[Odbe]

Dear atmosphere,
I like to breathe. Breathing is a really enjoyable activity. I like to breathe air. However, I do not like to breathe:
- car fumes
- spray deodorant
- other people's perfume
- flatulence
- smog
- cigarette smoke

Air is good. Just air.
So get me the fvck outta this city!

Regards,
Odbe

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Port,

I know Collingwood suck but do you suppose, just once, you could win when I've actually tipped you?

Thanks,

Snake

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Red Cardinal,
It's a real inspiration to see you lay your life on the line for your little babies by flopping on the ground, screeching wildly, in order to draw off my five predatory cats. What a triumph of evolutionary inventiveness and parental dedication! The idea, however, is that at the last minute, when the cat is ready to pounce, you fly off and continue screeching at a safe distance. You are not supposed to allow yourself to be captured, repeatedly, when none of your little babies is on the ground. Perhaps your little brain is not so much a pinnacle of natural selection. It's just your luck I heard the commotion. And it was not entirely necessary for you to bite the holy hell out of my fingers while I rummaged around trying to find something to house you in so I could round up the cats. I was just trying to help, you know.

We're in quite a pickle now, aren't we? You're in a cat carrier in my bathroom, and I'm sitting at the computer desk, eating my lunch with fingers as red as your delightful plumage. It took me half an hour to round up four of the cats, and the streetwise one continues to elude me. Did I mention that it's raining? Yes. It is.

So to recap: Bird hollering in a cat carrier in the bathroom. Four cats who have figured out that there is a bird in the bathroom and are fighting over who gets to try to claw the door open. One cat loitering under the tree, waiting for an instant replay. Quietly bleeding fingers. Cold lunch. And we're all wet.

Yep, that's life.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[craig johnston]

dear bp,
keep that bird alive! cardinals are one of the wonders of america.
atb,
cj

[brightpearl]

^^ Mr. Cardinal has flown off to seek his fortune alone. He had a couple of relatively minor puncture wounds and isn't flying so great without the majority of his tailfeathers, but I was afraid his mate would pine herself to death without him. I did my best.

PS They are gorgeous buggers, but they tend to come up a bit short in the brains department. I love them too, though.

[craig johnston]

Originally Posted by brightpearl

PS They are gorgeous buggers, but they tend to come up a bit short in the brains department. I love them too, though.

that's birds for ya!

[DaftGretel]

Dear Mr. Hummingbird,

I had no idea you had the ability to screech so loudly until my family and I emerged from our house and started playing on the back lawn. I'm sorry you don't like us growing food, or tending the yard, but would you kindly shut up for a bit while we're behind our house? Don't you have to find gallons of nectar a day to stay alive? Hop to it!

Thanks,

DG

PS - would you kindly pass on the word to the screaming blue jays in the bush that we don't appreciate them dive bombing us on the front lawn? We're allowed to be in the yard just as much as they are and really don't want to have to start feeding the neighborhood cats.