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Old 08-15-2007, 09:22 AM   #436
Hyakujo's Fox
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Back in the old days there was a Arabian prince who was very fond of his thoroughbred horses and one day as he looked out from the palace he saw a fine horse lying dead in the street. He exclaimed to the heavens "How can this be so, that such a fine animal should die like this?". His adviser standing by told him that the peasants did not care for their horses and made them work seven days a week without any rest. "Henceforth," the prince proclaimed " every horse in the kingdom must be given one day of rest every week so that such an outrageous sight may never be seen again! Instead only camels may be worked or ridden on that day!" His adviser asked when this day of exclusive camel use should be instituted, and the prince grandly replied "I dunno, make it Wednesday". Hence we have the modern expression "hump day".
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Old 08-15-2007, 11:59 AM   #437
trisherina
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I did remember to buy milk. It's just that the annual early morning neighbourhood Block Party was on -- oh you've never been? Guess you don't get up early enough then, it's a blast, every year, really good weather for it this year eh? Not like year before last when it was pouring. Anyway they were out of milk for pancakes, the Kwans made them right there on their drive, I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. They were really good, I had blueberries in mine, but it used the milk right up there were so many people. Michaela said to say hi. Want some toast though?
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Old 08-15-2007, 01:04 PM   #438
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I know how they get the pears inside these bottles:

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Old 08-20-2007, 02:26 AM   #439
Jack Flanders
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus Bales View Post
I saw Jack's car on I-80 as I was coming back from an appointment in Toledo for a giant new art glass billboard I got the commission for and followed her car for nearly 30 miles to see if I was going to get a call or email saying Jack was in town and then at about the 29th mile my eyes were so filled with tears and my heart with pain that I could barely see the I-77 exit to go home, but I managed to get past both semis and the slow RV to cut in front of some guy in a yellow Viper.
That's weird - I remember cutting him off, too, earlier!!! I hate Vipers. Basturd!!
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Old 08-20-2007, 08:11 AM   #440
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Well that goes some waytoward explaining why the yellow Viper guy followed me off the exit and caught up with me at a light and blew his obnoxious horn that sounded like a semi-tractor's horn and when I looked over was pointing a big handgun at me. Only because I drive a stick shift car and was so surprised that I popped the clutch did I keep from being popped myself. As it was, his shot busted out my left rear window. Fortunately, though, as he took off after me through the red light, popping the clutch in a beat-up four-baner like mine stalls the engine, and though it moved me out of hte way of his bullet, it left me stalled but not in the cross-street. Pop the clutch on a Viper, though, and you're a couple hundred yards down the street before you realize it -- which was not so good for the Viper guy, who was t-boned by an Escalade while he was still contorting his face at me and shouting "Assho....". Well, when I say t-boned, of course, I mean "run over from the side" since for an Escalade going 50 a Viper is pretty much the size of something you just gun the engine to roll the back wheels over. As the Escalade was dealing with that, though, it left an opening in traffic, and I turned right on red into the newly opened lane, and drove away, so I don't know how it all came out, though I thought I heard a couple more gunshots.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:08 AM   #441
Jack Flanders
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus Bales View Post
Well that goes some waytoward explaining why the yellow Viper guy followed me off the exit and caught up with me at a light and blew his obnoxious horn that sounded like a semi-tractor's horn and when I looked over was pointing a big handgun at me. Only because I drive a stick shift car and was so surprised that I popped the clutch did I keep from being popped myself. As it was, his shot busted out my left rear window. Fortunately, though, as he took off after me through the red light, popping the clutch in a beat-up four-baner like mine stalls the engine, and though it moved me out of hte way of his bullet, it left me stalled but not in the cross-street. Pop the clutch on a Viper, though, and you're a couple hundred yards down the street before you realize it -- which was not so good for the Viper guy, who was t-boned by an Escalade while he was still contorting his face at me and shouting "Assho....". Well, when I say t-boned, of course, I mean "run over from the side" since for an Escalade going 50 a Viper is pretty much the size of something you just gun the engine to roll the back wheels over. As the Escalade was dealing with that, though, it left an opening in traffic, and I turned right on red into the newly opened lane, and drove away, so I don't know how it all came out, though I thought I heard a couple more gunshots.
Sorry about that!! A big hug for you that you escaped the evil Viper driver.
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Old 08-21-2007, 10:39 AM   #442
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several years ago visited a friend who was living in L.A. at the time. we went out, did a few parties, hit a few hotspots. you know, the kind of thing everyone thinks they're supposed to do when they visit L.A. it was mostly uneventful and boring with one exception. my second-to-last night in town was one of those party nights that took us from house to club to house to club to restaurant to club to warehouse to god-knows-where. we were party hopping every half hour and sometime around 3 a.m. we found ourselves at a rather intimate gathering in the private upstairs room over a formerly trendy club that had only recently gone pass. my friend and i were pretty lit at that point and much of my memory of that portion of the night's events is a haze. but i do remember sharing a table with eddie murphy, who was there with a few friends and his brother charlie. the conversation was jovial, eddie was just funny as you would expect. we were mostly just pissing around and cutting up, and as i said much of my memory is a blur. i do remember one specific moment in the conversation, though, when i leaned over to eddie and told him, "you know what's always funny? you know what people can't get enough of? a man in a fat woman suit." i remember eddie leaned back in his chair and regarded me with a rare moment of quiet contemplation. he then laughed in that famous horsey way and changed the subject.

the rest, as they say, is history.
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Old 11-02-2007, 07:54 PM   #443
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I once constructed a fully functional 1:20 scale cold fusion reactor consisting entirely of circus peanuts and the wire spirals from discarded school notebooks. I still use it to power the chandelier in the hamster's cage.

The time it blew a fuse, poor little Chiclet had to eat his foie gras and millet by regular old candlelight. I fashioned a new fuse out of a lemon "Skittle" I found under the fridge, but he was already onto the dessert course by that time.

He didn't speak to me for weeks.

Last edited by brightpearl : 03-25-2008 at 06:03 PM. Reason: spelling!
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Old 03-25-2008, 06:02 PM   #444
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(^I have no memory of writing that. )

Did I ever tell you all about the time I was doing a little remodeling and found one of Al Capone's fingers in the crawlspace? It was folded up in a Wrigley's Doublemint wrapper and tied with a long lock of some auburn-haired beauty's ringlets. Most of the flesh had rotted away, but I could tell it was Al's because I remembered the nail polish he was wearing on the night he lost it. It was our first night in Detroit, and he was carefree with his belongings in those days. We thought it would be perfectly safe left on the western veranda while we shot skeet.

Alas.
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:54 AM   #445
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How I stole the moon - for Stephi

Ever since I set my eyes on the moon at the age of two and a half I wanted it.

I used to dream about the moon, the ever changing one, the waning, the waxing... but I wanted it most when it was full. Full of mysterious holes, sometimes surrounded with a faint halo. I devised various plans how to obtain it.

When I was at my grandma, I watched cows with longing, expectant eyes, to catch their tail if they suddenly decided to jump over the moon again.
But they never jumped. They just lifted their tail and lazily let out a steaming, yellow stream of piss.

But one warm summer night, when it was a full moon and I couldn't sleep, overcome with the desire for the moon again, I wandered into the garden and caught sight of grampa's ladder, leaning against the plum tree. I started to climb the ladder, rung by rung, just to get closer to my beloved moon.

To my surprise, I found grampa in the way. He behaved oddly, as if caught red-handed doing something illicit.

But he wasn't! He was doing something wonderful: he was polishing the stars. His ladder was long enough and could be extended even more, at will. He taught me to polish stars and - because I was doing a good job - gave me a small star as a gift. I was very happy and put the star in the pocket of my teddy that I brought with me to keep me company in the cold universe.

It was the next day that I stole the moon. In the afternoon I made a papier-mch moon from the newspapers grampa used for kindling to make fire in the oven. I waited till dusk, when grampa was still sitting on the bench near the gate and exchanged a few sentences with each passer-by. I knew I shouldn't steal the moon, but I couldn't help it. I tiptoed quickly to the garden, climbed to the very top of the ladder and was just able to reach the moon. I quickly snatched it from the sky and exchanged with the papier-mch one.

Then I hurried back to the house, climbed into my bed, my heart beat so fast... I couldn't sleep. I was hugging the moon tightly, never wanting to let go of it. In the morning I hid it under my bed.

Grampa was looking at me suspiciously. I put on my most innocent, sweet smile and pretended to be busy with my breakfast.

'Papier-mch moons don't work, you know. No tide, no ebb, no waxing, no waning... the birds will lose their way when flying at night, animals will lose their fertility - the night sky mourns its precious queen.'

That's why I had to give back my beloved moon, but I will remain unhappy for the rest of my life.
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:11 AM   #446
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So there I was, with the okapi and the two giraffes, at Neverland, tying Michael Jackson to a straight-backed chair with the regimental tie, when I noticed something significant: no Ysapur. Where had she gone?
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Old 06-20-2008, 11:41 AM   #447
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I messaged her to come round to my steppe... er... street, instead.
Because, having not had yet as many drinks intus needed to activate my babel fish,
I had problems understanding the Ural-Altaic riders I met at the waterhole... er... bar
there where the paths cross the fourth time if you walk from the hole of the steelworms
towards the rising sun.
They spoke a tongue using many 's and 's and complex series of consonants,
more 's and 's and complex series of consonants as the tongue I speak when not amongst my tribe
(who don't know about 's and 's and make the rare consonants sound soft)
or foreign tribes with whom I speak in the language of angels.
Ysa arrived soon, having ridden the steelbird and steelworm,
she puzzled out the 's and 's and complex series of consonants for me.
Then I understood it, the riders had just passed on to me the oldest of all secrets....
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Old 06-21-2008, 10:07 AM   #448
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I'll never forget the first time a woman demonstrated 's and 's. I'd never felt anything like it.
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Old 06-21-2008, 03:13 PM   #449
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In the hard labor of laying down a flagstone path in my back yard, I was finally able to bury the hatchet under some stones.
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Old 06-29-2008, 09:25 PM   #450
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I'm not in love with you
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