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Old 04-25-2003, 05:45 PM   #1
priceyfatprude
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Thumbs up Jokes

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and out and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room.

In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door.

In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on a bed with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."........

The Devil smiled and said, "Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
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Old 04-25-2003, 06:05 PM   #2
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love it , thanks
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Old 04-27-2003, 03:42 PM   #3
agentsmith
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hee hee
ive got a better one. im not telling.












and yes, i am bluffing.
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"Genesis: First, I'd like to say reality is invisible to the naked eye. You and me both know that life is a real bitch. Doing your best, you say? That's not good enough."
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Old 05-07-2003, 12:47 PM   #4
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a wednesday (actual hump day) joke

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches ... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit."

Joe entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we have not stopped to include violence as an option in our conflict management, we are still savages.
--Thomas A. Edison

Last edited by ambo : 05-07-2003 at 11:18 PM.
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Old 05-07-2003, 10:00 PM   #5
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Hung Chow called his boss and says:
"Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come to work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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Old 05-07-2003, 10:12 PM   #6
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Talking

A couple goes fishing in Northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Old 05-08-2003, 04:36 AM   #7
Zyle
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The Honest Son-in-law

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once...

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned:- Always keep your condoms in your car!
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Old 05-08-2003, 10:47 PM   #8
Trishya
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Loving Husband?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Old 05-08-2003, 11:15 PM   #9
danh
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I'm certian you've all gotten that "Good Karma" forward before.

I'm certian you've probably gotten it about 50-60 times by now, and I'm certian you could recite the entire thing from memory if only you had actually read it... but I know you haven't, kause it's a big pain.

After the Nth time I recieved that forward, I decided to write my own version and send it back to everybody who forwards me that sappy email.

I was in a bad mood and feeling rather cynical when I wrote this, but that just means it's more entertaining. So I hope you enjoy it.

(NOTE: I've included the real version in the off chance you've forgotten)

Real version (recommend you just gloss over it)


1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk..

2. When you lose, donít lose the lesson..

3. Follow the three Rís:
>Respect for self,
>Respect for otherís and
>Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a
wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Donít let a little dispute injure a great relationship

7. When you realize youíve made a mistake, take immediate
steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open arms to change, but donít let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, youíll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for
your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the
current situation. Donít bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. Itís a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth

16. Once a year, go someplace youíve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your
love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18.Judge your success by what you had to give up in order
to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

FORWARD THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE



0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 people & over: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of
will begin to take shape.


My version


1. Rember that great love and great achievements involve great risk, so its best not to try for either.

2. When you lose; cry, whine, and shout... then you will most likely get your way

3. Follow the three Rís:
>Respect for otherís.... HA, just kidding.... NO respect for others
>Ruin other's happiness,
>Refuse to take responsibility for your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. But other times, it's a tremendous slap in the face.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Donít let a great relationship stop a little dispute.

7. When you realize youíve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. If that fails, start shifting blame.

8. Spend some time alone, sitting in the corner, clutching your knee's, while screaming, every day

9. Open arms to change, Open legs to OBGYN..

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. So shut up already.

11.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, youíll be able to enjoy it a second time. Unless you get Alzheimerís, then your s.o.l.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. An angry atmosphere in your home is the foundation for years of therapy.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, bring up the past. It may help you with the current situation.

14. Share your sperm. Itís a way to achieve immortality.

15. Don't be gentle with the earth, in a few years you'll be dead.

16. Once a year, go someplace youíve never been before, and defile it.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. But its much easier to get a hooker.

18.Judge your success by what others had to give up in order for you to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon. That way, when you die of a heart attack while suffering from a raging case of Herpes, you can look back on life and know you "gave it your all."


FORWARD THIS MANTRA E-MAIL TO AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE.



0-4 people: Ain't nothin' gonna happen.
5-9 people: Ain't nothin' still gonna happen.
9-14 people: You'll realize you don't know that many people.
15 people & over: 15 and over people will show up at your front door and beat the living crap out of you.
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Old 05-16-2003, 11:19 AM   #10
ambo
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History Lesson

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Martinez said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
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--Thomas A. Edison
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Old 05-16-2003, 07:53 PM   #11
Trishya
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one liners, some funny, some not

1. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
2. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
3. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
4. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
6. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
8. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
9. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
10. I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
11. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
13. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
16. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
17. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
22. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
23. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
24. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism-to steal from many is research.
26. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
27. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
28. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
29. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
30. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
31. A fool and his money are soon partying.
32. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
33. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
35. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
36. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
37. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
38. Half the people you know are below average.
39. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
40. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
41. Notice any missing numbers? Wonder what it said??
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Old 05-16-2003, 08:00 PM   #12
Trishya
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more one liners, (I love these)

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of
parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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