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Old 04-10-2004, 05:07 PM   #211
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore
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Old 04-11-2004, 05:41 AM   #212
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when
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Old 04-11-2004, 07:30 PM   #213
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw
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Old 04-12-2004, 12:17 PM   #214
Hyakujo's Fox
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can
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Old 04-14-2004, 07:18 AM   #215
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner
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Old 04-18-2004, 04:35 AM   #216
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father
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Old 04-18-2004, 05:01 AM   #217
madasacutsnake
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided
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Old 04-18-2004, 07:35 PM   #218
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided instead that he was going to give that midwife a piece of his mind.
"Hey! Why
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Old 04-19-2004, 04:13 PM   #219
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided instead that he was going to give that midwife a piece of his mind.
"Hey! Why are you dissin' me all of the sudden? You think you're so
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Old 04-19-2004, 08:22 PM   #220
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided instead that he was going to give that midwife a piece of his mind.
"Hey! Why are you dissin' me all of the sudden? You think you're so...so..." Travis was at a loss of what
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Old 04-19-2004, 11:24 PM   #221
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided instead that he was going to give that midwife a piece of his mind.
"Hey! Why are you dissin' me all of the sudden? You think you're so...so..." Travis was at a loss of what obscenity was most appropriate to the situation. The acorn finally spoke and said in a high squeaky voice
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Old 04-22-2004, 01:08 AM   #222
Klynne
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Travis, following her every word, nodded mutely. Damned if he was going to indulge in several large vats of over-greased popcorn with the communal living group. Instead he decided to eat the vinyl off of the armrests. The damn straightjacket hindered his gyrations but he was just able to flip over to complete the other side before they pulled him off, flopping around like a fish in a boat. Hm. Tasted a bit like chicken.

As he was shoved out the door, Travis began to ponder whether he was going to get shocks this time or just meds... not that he much cared given his history with the banging girl. After he lacerated his arm squeezing between the drinks into the cooler she spoke to him in a soft voice and said "Travis, your baby needs you." "Wha? Huh? Who the..?" was his half-stammered, half-spat response to the news of his impending parental obligations. Travis was now sweating profusely, a stain on the floor. Blood seeped from his palms as he sang "Glory, Glory Halleuha." Travis paused, then asked "Are you sure this is my baby? ... because I'm in a bit of a rush right now". He didn't even see it coming. The baby suddenly levetated into the air before him and began to sneer at Tavis. "What do you think your doing little baby Harry Potter". "Get back into the abyss."

Travis began to black out, and in that blackness he found a dream. He dreamt he was a cross-dressing lumberjack. This disturbed Travis because he always wanted to be... a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as agile as an elephant, Travis felt free.

Suddenly, Travis felt a massive labor cramp. Squatting over the midwife, he realized he was giving birth to himself! This seemed odd since the only way that could happen was if he was his own mother. Wiping perspiration from his mom's brow, he coached and was coached. The midwife wiped his brow. "How is this baby going to earn a living?" she asked, "Lumberjacking?". Travis gave one last almighty push and out popped an enormous acorn. The midwife and Travis both burst into a chorus of Hank Williams' "Act Naturally". That song seemed most appropriate since the acorn bore a remarkable resemblence to Hank. "Stop, wasting time Travis! This acorn has to be planted in the secret garden of your beloved," said the midwife.

The midwife then wrapped the infant acorn in a soft blue baby blanket and gently passed it to Travis. Taking the acorn from the midwife, Travis was surprised to find it weighed nothing at all, and had to held tightly or would begin to float away. But now Travis couldn't seem to find the keys to the Volvo! How would he and the midwife ever get to the Seven 11? He needed nachos and a slushie like nobody's business!

Crawling around the floor looking for the keys, Travis was amazed to find he could see right up ladies dresses. Dammit this is the greatest day of my life since yesterday. Who could forget the beautiful sunrise on that day? A perfect start to a day filled with more strawberry icecream than had hitherto been believed to be possible. But now the end seemed further away than ever. Travis hurled himself towards the toilet. "Ack, Ack, he exclaimed as Cathy tried on another bathing suit.

Reaching the toilet, he was barely able to lift the lid. He began to feel a lot better, so it all worked out okay. Or so he thought before a brick hit him in the head. "What the ever lovin' heck did you do that for?", Travis asked the midwife as she lifted the brick for another strike. "You are unfit to be the father of that acorn!" the midwife exclaimed, "I should have planted that seed myself, damn your worthless conflicted hide." "During your distracted daydreaming you let that poor acorn child float away and now it is hovering somewhere over the White House! Our President, in all his (ahem) "infinite wisdom" has ordered fighter jets to shoot down the little nut." Travis looked behind him and saw that the midwife had somehow grown a twin, which drifted into and out of her. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his talisman. He shielded his eyes from the blurry glare of the outside window and felt the familiar grooves on the surface of the wooden fish. The midwife and her twin became one. The midwife screamed "Oh, no you don't, Sister, I need your help with this miscreant! Get your ass back out here and…" She faded away as a deafening roar drowned out her voice. There was a blinding light, and the heavens opened. Travis fell down upon his knees, and looked towards the light and said, "Honest, Officer, I didn't have that much to drink! Besides, it's only grain alcohol!"
The flashlight quickly switched off, the rain stopped, the lion settled down and began to groom travis. "Where am going to get enough cat food to satisfy a lion?", thought Travis, "The Seven 11 doesn't sell prescription diet, either." He knew he would have to stop by the Pharmacy and the grocery store! What a pain in the nalgas! I wonder if the midwife left any money in her purse, he thought. Nah! That old hag never carried cash in her purse. She stashed her money in that parachute that passed as her underwear.
Damn those were some big underdrawers! Big enough to hold the Ringling Barnum Bailey's circus under. The lion, who bore a remarkable resemblance to Burt Lahr, began to sing.
In a sweet, Irish Tenor voice he sang O'Danny Boy. Tears began to stream down Travis's face. At last he'd found a purpose. He and the lion would tour the world bringing their own unique mix of traditional music, acrobatics and offbeat humour to many troubled souls. Travis realised he would need a really big trailer, preferably an Airstream, to hold everyone.
Getting himself, the lion, the midwife, and the baby acorn into such a trailer would take an act of Congress! Yet Travis knew that it could be done because he is the house whip, after all!

At some point, he couldn’t really say when, a raucous yelling snapped Travis from his hazy state of mind; he found himself at the front of the line at the grocery store. He did not know how long he’d been standing there, but the ice cream in his cart had obviously begun to melt. Tom Delay was gonna be pretty pissed when he found out that his "Ben and Jerry's" was liquified. "Screw serving Congress," Travis thought, " I am finished with politics; the life for me is on the stage, in the spotlights, with my singing lion!"

The checker scowled, "Buddy, are you paying for that or not? Travis abandoned the cart and ran for the parking lot where the the lion, the midwife, and the acorn were waiting in an ageing red cropduster. The cropduster taxied out onto the road as Travis
strapped himself to the wing. "If we're going out, it'll be in a blaze of glory!" The lion purred, the acorn floated, and the midwife revved the engine of the aging biplane. "Hang on, Baby, it's gonna be a bumpy ride," the midwife exclaimed as the plane ascended into the heavens. "We are on our way to Vegas; Roy needs a break anyway and this could be our break! To hell with Vaudeville, to hell with the United States Congress! Travis, did you know that this acorn can play poker? Yes! Hasn't lost a game yet that I've seen! If we put the acorn in the casinos and the lion with Siegfried do you realize that you, me, and Roy can rule the Universe?" Travis was in shock, he said, "The universe? I don't wanna rule the universe! I'd be happy just to rule the world." The midwife laughed saying, "Foolish boy, don't you know that's impossible? You must rule the Universe, Travis, it's your destiny."
Travis shrugged his mighty Olympian shoulders and thought to himself, "Eat your heart out, Arnold Schwarznegger!"
Hitching up his loincloth, Travis leapt off the wing of the biplane and was soon plummeting to the earth. The acorn shouted, "Daddy, noooooo!", and hurled itself in his direction.
Thanks to the fact the acorn could fly, Travis soon found himself slowly rising through the stratosphere perched atop his acorn child. Looking up he saw the planet Mars.

Travis thought to himself, "Is there really anything that can be better than this? Now, my newborn son and I get to see the Mars Rover as it navigates uncharted territory." Travis began to wonder that if he ruled the universe, would that indeed mean that he ruled the Mars rover as well? He wasn't even sure if he was willing or able to take on that responsibility. What he was certain of, is that he missed the lion and the midwife, and hoped that Los Vegas had a movie theater where he could watch "Beaches". "Did you ever know that You're my hero" always brought a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat. Anyway Travis decided the matinee showing was just too early to plan on, so they'd have to try and get to the theater after lunch.

"I wonder if they'll be showing any cult flicks? I really wanted to see "The Rockey Horror Picture Show. Travis thought. He had even worn his Dr. Scott outfit. Not that many people actually wore underwear with their costumes, but Travis hated the feel of his boys being on the loose. And it really bugged him when he saw the sometimes unflattering sight of other people's unprotected members.

Suddenly, Travis saw the midwife surrounding by adoring crowds of fans. "Hey" he shouted, but when the midwife turned to him she said "Fvck off Travis, I'm a fvckin star now, you can deliver you own acorn next time." Travis grabbed his nuts in a protective manner, and tried to leave as quickly and quietly as possible. The acorn grabbed Travis by the scruff of his neck and said, "Father, I wanna go pee pee!" Travis thought seriously about buying himself a fvcking big nutcracker or one of those little hammers that come with nut plates but decided instead that he was going to give that midwife a piece of his mind.
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