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Old 06-02-2004, 04:04 PM   #31
Gatsby
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Always wear a bullet-proof vest and football helmet while in public.

Realize that paranoia and hypochondria aren't mental illness, but mere safety precautions.
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Old 06-02-2004, 05:54 PM   #32
Coffee
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The 10 Saftey commandments

ONE: 'You shall have no other News Channels before Fox.'

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image that appears Liberal or Democratic--any likeness of anything that is intended to promote Enviormental Awareness, or that is defamatory of the Republican administration, or that is critical of the President.'

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the BUSH your President in vain.'

FOUR: 'Never go out in public without deodorant, Cologne, and several "beauty" aids, or folks will think you are stupid and ugly.
See commercials on Fox Channel for recomended "Safe Beauty Products".'

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother, unless they smoke pot...in that case turn them over to the authorities so that they can be punished for not buying FDA approved drugs.'

SIX: 'You shall not murder, however you should carry a gun, as big as possible, at all times since there crazy folks out there carrying guns, and you must be able to defend yourself.'

SEVEN: 'Trust God in all things except your personal saftey, for that, Trust Fox and Republicans. God will take care of everything else for you. If everything else goes to pieces while you are trusting God to take care of it, trust that it is just part of HIS plan and YOU simply do not have enough faith...see next item.'

EIGHT: Prove your faith in God by giving most of your cash and securities to Faith healers, Evangelicals, and Republicans...or else you will go to hell and everything except your personal saftey will fall to pieces.'

NINE: 'Never make eye contact with your neighbors.
Assume that they are all potential psycopaths or terrorists..'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his oil, nor his land, nor anything that is your neighbour's....unless you have reason to suspect them of being terrorists, or you can invent reasons (they don't even have to be plausible) to suspect them of being terrorists.'
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:12 PM   #33
Eric Pauker
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Always make sure your zipper is clear before zipping it up. (this is mainly for guys)
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:34 PM   #34
imdrsmooth
 
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I usually try to pass out before anyone talks to me and hope they don't carry me off.
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:39 PM   #35
daverbee
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Always walk on flat, level surfaces in comfortable shoes.
If you can't walk on flat, level surfaces in comfortable shoes, never leave the house or get out of bed.
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:45 PM   #36
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Sometimes I'll throw water at someone that is about to talk to me and then run off.
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:55 PM   #37
Coffee
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Quote:
Originally posted by imdrsmooth
Sometimes I'll throw water at someone that is about to talk to me and then run off.
A saftey gold star for you!!!
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Old 06-02-2004, 06:56 PM   #38
Spicy Jack
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don't get piercing done in some guys garage that you don't know.
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:02 PM   #39
imdrsmooth
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Coffee
A saftey gold star for you!!!
*places it on forehead*
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Old 06-02-2004, 08:39 PM   #40
lapietra
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When going to an unfamiliar place, never use the water (in case it's full of nassity microbes...)

Always, *always*, ALWAYS use beer instead - for drinking, bathing, and brushing your teeth. It's especially good for your hair.
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Old 06-02-2004, 08:50 PM   #41
bealeblues
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vegas fieldtesting required. i'll be the judge.
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:37 PM   #42
Klynne
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Quote:
Originally posted by Coffee
The 10 Saftey commandments

ONE: 'You shall have no other News Channels before Fox.'

TWO: 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image that appears Liberal or Democratic--any likeness of anything that is intended to promote Enviormental Awareness, or that is defamatory of the Republican administration, or that is critical of the President.'

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of the BUSH your President in vain.'

FOUR: 'Never go out in public without deodorant, Cologne, and several "beauty" aids, or folks will think you are stupid and ugly.
See commercials on Fox Channel for recomended "Safe Beauty Products".'

FIVE: 'Honor your father and your mother, unless they smoke pot...in that case turn them over to the authorities so that they can be punished for not buying FDA approved drugs.'

SIX: 'You shall not murder, however you should carry a gun, as big as possible, at all times since there crazy folks out there carrying guns, and you must be able to defend yourself.'

SEVEN: 'Trust God in all things except your personal saftey, for that, Trust Fox and Republicans. God will take care of everything else for you. If everything else goes to pieces while you are trusting God to take care of it, trust that it is just part of HIS plan and YOU simply do not have enough faith...see next item.'

EIGHT: Prove your faith in God by giving most of your cash and securities to Faith healers, Evangelicals, and Republicans...or else you will go to hell and everything except your personal saftey will fall to pieces.'

NINE: 'Never make eye contact with your neighbors.
Assume that they are all potential psycopaths or terrorists..'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbour's house; you shall not covet your neighbour's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his oil, nor his land, nor anything that is your neighbour's....unless you have reason to suspect them of being terrorists, or you can invent reasons (they don't even have to be plausible) to suspect them of being terrorists.'
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:39 PM   #43
Klynne
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Never pass out before your friends do. Especially if they have a permanent marker, a razor, shaving cream, vegetables, and a camera.
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:42 PM   #44
Hyakujo's Fox
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Never paste a gold safety star on your forehead. Passing birds may swoop down and peck at it.
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:42 PM   #45
agentsmith
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if anyone approaches me, i like to take out my chainsaw and jam it in their face, a friendly reminder that by saying hello they will be deemed dangerous and hostile, and will therefore be eliminated.
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