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Old 08-09-2005, 07:47 PM   #121
Marcus Bales
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You hear about the cannibal who passed a missionary in the woods?
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Old 08-09-2005, 09:20 PM   #122
funkytuba
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Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.

The first slept on a deer skin.

The second slept on a bear skin.

The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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Old 08-09-2005, 09:28 PM   #123
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^^^^^ Very crafty, very crafty indeed ^^^^^
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Old 08-09-2005, 11:35 PM   #124
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funkytuba
Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.

The first slept on a deer skin.

The second slept on a bear skin.

The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
I forwarded the above to a friend who wrote back with a valid point. She says:
"... distant though I am from mathematics of any kind, I do recall that it is the Squaw of the Hippopotamus, NOT the Son of the Squaw of the Hippopotamus that is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
She also offered the following:

So many it’s hard to know which is the regional virgin [sic]...

There was an Indian Chief, and he had three squaws, and kept them in three teepees. When he would come home late from hunting, he would not know which teepee contained which squaw, since it was dark. He went hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the a hide from each animal into a different teepee, so that when he came home late, he could feel inside the teepee and he would know which squaw was inside.

Well after about a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear had a baby boy, the squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl. But the squaw on the hippopotamus had a girl and a boy. So what is the moral of the story?

The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

Another variation... how many have you read? Here's another:

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made.

Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.

As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.

The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said...

"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides"

And again...

A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses. Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"? "It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
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Old 08-09-2005, 11:38 PM   #125
priceyfatprude
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How do you get a nun pregnant?


.


.


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wait for it


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.


Dress her up as an altar boy.



Told to me 12 years ago by my Catholic-raised father.
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Old 08-09-2005, 11:40 PM   #126
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^^ You mean he KNEW about what was going on all these years and he never said anything????? You mean he's been an accomplice in the whole, big cover-up???
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Old 08-09-2005, 11:43 PM   #127
priceyfatprude
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Him & a thousand other former altar boys.
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Old 08-10-2005, 03:18 AM   #128
Con ate dog
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Stealing from another stand-up:

I got a really nasty letter from the phone company. Now I admit I should have paid the bill long ago, but I thought calling me Jewboy was way out of line.
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Old 08-11-2005, 01:03 AM   #129
twirlygirl81
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More to the redneck deer

Quote:
Originally Posted by JesusTitties
what does a redneck call a deer with no eyes


no eye'd deer


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear




What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?

Still no f***in' idear
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Old 08-11-2005, 01:06 AM   #130
twirlygirl81
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Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

Created by my four year-old nephew:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?










Because he was dead!
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Old 08-11-2005, 01:08 AM   #131
twirlygirl81
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Cops & Robbers

What did the police officer say when he ran over the robber?



You're under a car.

Last edited by twirlygirl81 : 08-11-2005 at 01:10 AM.
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Old 08-11-2005, 01:09 AM   #132
twirlygirl81
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And my addition to the Michael Jackson joke

What does Michael Jackson like about thirty eight year olds?


There are thirty of them.
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Old 08-11-2005, 03:33 AM   #133
priceyfatprude
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funkytuba
This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
I smell nerds.
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Old 08-11-2005, 12:59 PM   #134
dinzdale
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A man goes to the doctor with a horrible big toe, leaking pus and blood.
The doctor says to get out the toe, so the man takes off his shoe and sock.
"Oh, I see you have syphillis of the big toe"
"Well that was a quick diagnosis, doc. How did you know?"
"I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's cvnt"
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Old 08-11-2005, 01:00 PM   #135
dinzdale
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twirlygirl81
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear


What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?

Still no f***in' idear
What do you call a deer, with no eye's, no legs, no body and no head?


A hat rack.
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