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Old 01-07-2005, 01:11 PM   #1
Saxifrage
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Question I Have A Problem, maybe you folks can help

I have a personal dillema that I don't know what to do about and I seek your wise advice on the matter. My best friends, a married couple that I have known most of my life, got divorced a year or so ago. It was bitter, he had started having an affair about six months before that he didn't tell me about because he knew I would disaprove. She (the wife) was willing to forgive him but he started being a real pig headed fellow about the whole thing and after a quickie divorce he took off with his new toy. The lady he left with is wealthy and he promised to help his ex financially because he was leaving her with all the bills, house payment, credit cards, the works. Ever since then he has been telling the ex that they are now not doing so well anymore but he is sending me emails full of pictures of all the vacation spots they have been going to and all the fun they are having.

They are both equally my friends. I see her labouring terribly just to keep her head above water and see him galavanting around the world with his sugar mama. She (the wife) has numerous emails from him with all his promises saved and she has thought about suing him, she doesn't want to because she thinks he is broke. My question is this, should I tell her to sue him because I know that he can easily afford it or do I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?
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Old 01-07-2005, 01:17 PM   #2
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tell her....
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Old 01-07-2005, 01:26 PM   #3
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Hard to say...

Did she get the assets from the marriage as well, for a net positive?
Was the "promise to help" from the new girlfriend (not new wife?) part of the divorce settlement?
Would the new "girlfriend" have any legal obligation to fulfil that promise or to help her in any way? If not, is he alone worth anything now?

Yep. See an attorney.
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Old 01-07-2005, 02:24 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hyakujo's Fox
Hard to say...

Did she get the assets from the marriage as well, for a net positive?
Was the "promise to help" from the new girlfriend (not new wife?) part of the divorce settlement?
Would the new "girlfriend" have any legal obligation to fulfil that promise or to help her in any way? If not, is he alone worth anything now?

Yep. See an attorney.
He took the major electronic equipment, big screen TV and such. They didn't have children but they have three pugs which require regular vet care etc. I don't know the exact details of the divorce but he did agree to pay off credit cards and such which he did not do. She (wife) had to give the youngest pug to a friend with a good home because it was too much. She got the house, and the 800 a month payment as well as the furnishing. She is stuck with the credit cards and all the rest but he had agreed to help her. A lump sum payment was agreed on to be delivered upon the refinancing of the "other woman's" palacial 6000 square foot home. He then plead poverty to the ex but went on to tell me about all their extravagance and excess and it has pissed me off.
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Old 01-07-2005, 02:52 PM   #5
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I would tell your friend to stop sending you pictures of all the great vacation places. He is putting you in an awkward postion.
I would tell her to get an attorney and maybe a private investigator to dig up the real story.
Of course the new toy doesn't really have any obligation to help the old wife.
Sad situation.
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Old 01-07-2005, 02:59 PM   #6
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i would say to my friend "either you tell her or i tell her!"
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:04 PM   #7
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hear, hear!
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:35 PM   #8
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tell her! what an asshole!!!

You will probably have to pick one to be your friend as well, it is very hard to stay friends with both parties after a split.
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:43 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frieda
i would say to my friend "either you tell her or i tell her!"
That's what I said to him when he first told me of the affair. I told him he had two choices, end the affair and never mention it to his wife or tell his wife and go from there. He went with the latter, and got his quickie divorce and was gone in three weeks. Now that they are seperate I wondered if it was any of my business but keeping quiet is working my nerves. I have a personally established code of ethics that I live by and I am loathe to push these ethics on someone else due to my fervent criticism of others doing the same. I think I will have to talk to her. If I told him that he had to it would cause him to simply cut me out of his life, which at the moment wouldn't be a big deal but a life long friend is not something you throw away lightly.
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:44 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saxifrage
I have a personal dillema that I don't know what to do about and I seek your wise advice on the matter. My best friends, a married couple that I have known most of my life, got divorced a year or so ago. It was bitter, he had started having an affair about six months before that he didn't tell me about because he knew I would disaprove. She (the wife) was willing to forgive him but he started being a real pig headed fellow about the whole thing and after a quickie divorce he took off with his new toy. The lady he left with is wealthy and he promised to help his ex financially because he was leaving her with all the bills, house payment, credit cards, the works. Ever since then he has been telling the ex that they are now not doing so well anymore but he is sending me emails full of pictures of all the vacation spots they have been going to and all the fun they are having.

They are both equally my friends. I see her labouring terribly just to keep her head above water and see him galavanting around the world with his sugar mama. She (the wife) has numerous emails from him with all his promises saved and she has thought about suing him, she doesn't want to because she thinks he is broke. My question is this, should I tell her to sue him because I know that he can easily afford it or do I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business?
I wouldn't tell her to do anything. She needs to decide for herself what's the best course of action. All you can do is give her all the information she needs to do that. I would tell her about his lies. A friend would do that.

PS: How can you be friends with that guy? What a prick! He doesn't deserve your friendship.
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:53 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Large Marge
I wouldn't tell her to do anything. She needs to decide for herself what's the best course of action. All you can do is give her all the information she needs to do that. I would tell her about his lies. A friend would do that.

PS: How can you be friends with that guy? What a prick!
We certainly aren't getting together anymore, that's for sure. Haven't we all done shitty things in our lives though? As hatefull as it was at the end they were together for 13 years and I was friends with both before they got married. They were a wonderfull couple and were my shining example that a marraige could work. Imagine my suprise when I found out the truth. I feel that you can't abandon such friends when they a troubled and I view this as some sort of mental breakdown on his part. I won't enable him but I will not kick him to the curb quite yet.
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Old 01-07-2005, 03:56 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saxifrage
I won't enable him but I will not kick him to the curb quite yet.
I agree - freinds do stupid things and sometimes it takes a real freind to point that out. I would do as previously suggested, tell him to stop boasting because it's making things awkward for you, and advise her to get an attorney and PI like Red said. They are both lucky to have you as a friend.
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Old 01-07-2005, 04:08 PM   #13
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you can swallow shit until you develop ulcers but some things are just not cool! i consider what he did a perfect example of something very uncool. i don't consider people that do very uncool things friends of mine.

i guess it's up to you how you rate his behavior. i do consider you cool for trying to work out other people's shit
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Old 01-07-2005, 04:29 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frieda
you can swallow shit until you develop ulcers but some things are just not cool! i consider what he did a perfect example of something very uncool. i don't consider people that do very uncool things friends of mine.

i guess it's up to you how you rate his behavior. i do consider you cool for trying to work out other people's shit
I appreciate that, it has me pretty worked up with inner turmoil. I am (or was) closer to them than my own family. I believe I will call her today and have a talk, see where to go from there, you folks are great
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Old 01-07-2005, 04:52 PM   #15
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What just about eveybody else said. Tell her. What she decides to do next is up to her. The fact that you care enough to grapple with what to do is commendable. Good luck, Sax.
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