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Old 10-17-2005, 01:01 AM   #241
trisherina
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I can't watch myself screw this up, even if it would be fitting punishment.
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Old 10-17-2005, 01:27 AM   #242
Jack Flanders
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Why do you have to park your frickin' grocery cart in the middle of the the aisle and then you and your equally big butt challenged daughter stand either side of the cart and look for food that you shouldn't eat, argue about said food and then give me a dirty look for making a small cough to get your fat assed attention so you'll get out of my way????
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Old 10-17-2005, 06:20 AM   #243
glasshouse
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Jesus hopscotching christ! Why does there always have to be at least one car full of cracked out people at every public beach on the windward side every time I come here?
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Old 10-17-2005, 06:21 AM   #244
glasshouse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trisherina
I can't watch myself screw this up, even if it would be fitting punishment.
Is it scary that I have variations on this thought on, probably, a daily basis?
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Old 10-19-2005, 11:50 PM   #245
trisherina
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We'll never stay friends without you there to mediate, you know. It just won't work. Do you have to go? Can you wait a while?
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Old 10-20-2005, 06:09 AM   #246
glasshouse
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You are like the pushy popular girl, trying to get me, the unpopular girl, to do your bidding because you think that the possibility of being your friend gives you some kind of leverage.
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Old 10-24-2005, 05:36 AM   #247
glasshouse
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You were probably really cute and cocky when you were younger, and now you are cute and courteous because the years have smartened you a bit.
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Old 10-25-2005, 05:08 AM   #248
glasshouse
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Gee, don't put yourself out by picking up that thing that has just fallen right in front of you as you stand in the corporate coffee line with your friends chatting about inane bullshit. You will be really embarrased if I make a big deal of going in front of you to do it myself.
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Old 10-25-2005, 06:53 AM   #249
Frieda
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there was a bluegreen ocean, a blue sky with some vague clouds. there was sunlight, i think it was evening. there were rocks on the side, cliffs, yellow of color and down the cliff was a small beach.

it was pretty
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Old 10-26-2005, 12:10 AM   #250
Hyakujo's Fox
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like we don't understand what "giving diplomacy a chance" is meant to convey
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Old 10-26-2005, 01:29 PM   #251
Marcus Bales
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Found Poem: Tazer

Last weekend I saw something
in Harry's Pistol and Pawn, something really cool for
the occasion of an upcoming celebration,
and I was looking for just that little extra.
What I saw was a pocket or purse-sized
100,000-volt Tazer.

For those of you who are not familiar with this tool,
it is designed to stun with a shock
of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while the user flees to safety.
The effects are short lived,
with no long-term adverse effect.
To use it, you simply jab the prongs in,
push the button,
and it reduces the other person to a slobbering,
goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action
you're truly missing out.

I bought the device and took it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.After reading the directions
I found out the model I had would not
create an arc between the prongs.
I did learn, though, that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface
I'd get a blue arc darting
back and forth between the prongs.
So I did that, and wow -- sparks,
a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!
I'll have to think of something to explain
what that burn spot is on the fridge.

Okay, so I'm home alone with this new toy,
and I started thinking. Only two triple-a batteries?
I got a beer, wandered into the living room,
and sat in the recliner.
There I read, the rest of the directions,
my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose,
A one-second burst, they said,
would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make
a 250-lb tattooed assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,
pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries.
I'm thinking to myself, "No way!"

There I sat in my recliner, in my t-shirt and shorts,
directions in one hand, Tazer in the other.
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh and blood target.
Trixie, the dog, was looking on intently,
a trusting little soul.
If I was going to give this thing
as a gift for protection against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong to think that?
It seemed reasonable to me at the time.

Trixie is sitting there looking on
with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
"Don't do it buddy".
I'm reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that bad --
sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?
I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the hell of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button.

If you ever feel it's a good idea to mug yourself
with a Tazer, let me provide one note of caution:
there is no such thing as "a one-second burst"
when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by
your violent thrashing about on the floor.

I'm pretty sure what happened to me was that
Arnold Schwarzenegger ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner,
and body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again.

I woke up on my side in the fetal position,
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet with sweat, and my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position.
A while later I collected my wits,
if you'll agree I had any,
sat up and surveyed the situation.
The recliner was on its side;
my reading glasses were on the floor of the kitchen
a room away;
my triceps, right thigh and both pectorals
were still twitching.
My face felt like it had had a bad day
in a dentist's office encounter with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed fifty pounds,
give or take an ounce or two,
and everything smelled like a bar.

Trixie was making whining
sounds I had never heard before,
and I reached out to pet her,
to let her know I was ok,
and she moved out of the way,
keeping her head down as she
lapped up the spilled beer.
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My heart is nearly pure.
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Old 10-29-2005, 11:34 PM   #252
glasshouse
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how can these people function with heaps of trash everywhere?
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Old 11-18-2005, 01:57 PM   #253
zgrav
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private thoughts, public places

Trying to recall what you had for dinner when silently passing gas while riding a crowded escalator
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Old 11-18-2005, 03:22 PM   #254
dddrum
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Same escalator. Trying to guess what your person in front of/above you had for dinner.
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Old 11-18-2005, 04:14 PM   #255
Coffee
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Same escalator. Every brown cloud has a silver lining: "Worst case breath holding practice" (One never knows whether one will be knocked overboard a boat with full or empty lungs.)
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