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Old 02-17-2003, 12:54 PM   #31
Zyle
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why did they bury the fireman behind the hill?






'Cos he was dead.
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Old 02-17-2003, 12:57 PM   #32
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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in
the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So... I switched the heads"
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Old 02-17-2003, 03:02 PM   #33
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hahahahaha!!!!

What's brown and sticky?



A stick.



Sorry, i had to.
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Old 02-19-2003, 01:24 PM   #34
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Doctor, Doctor I can't stop singing Deliah. All day I'm singing it. I even sing it in my sleep! My wife says shes going to leave me. Can you help me?

Well it sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome

Tom Jones syndrome? I've never heard of that. Is it common?

Its not unusual.
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Old 02-19-2003, 01:28 PM   #35
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hahha superkitty! i love tom jones & i love tom jones jokes!
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Old 02-19-2003, 01:40 PM   #36
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ha ha ha, hey i've seen those alpine flamingos, they are white. where's my medication?
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Old 02-19-2003, 02:11 PM   #37
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Quote:
Originally posted by nycwriters

What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
This is my particular favourite.
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:10 PM   #38
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My Favorite

Quote:
Originally posted by nycwriters
This just in my e-mail:

I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

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Old 02-19-2003, 07:15 PM   #39
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it was a newt, but it got better
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:21 PM   #40
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I got fired from the delicatessen

Why was that?

The boss caught me with my cock in the bacon slicer

The bacon slicer ????

Yes, and he fired her too.
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:58 PM   #41
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A woman gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop walks up to the window and asks to see her license.

"Can't do that." Says the woman, "I got it revoked after 4 DWIs"

Amazed, the cop asks her for her registration.

"No-go there too." Says the woman. "I stole this car."

The cop asks the woman if she knows who the owner is.

"Nope. But I killed him, cut him into pieces and dumped him in the trunk. Look for yourself" said the woman calmly.

The cop freaks out and calls for backup. Within minutes, there's an army of squad cards and police surrounding the woman.

After removing her from the car, the police cheif walks up to her and tells her she is under arrest.

"What is the problem officer?" asks the woman.

"You're under arrest for murder" says the chief.

"Murder?" shrieks the woman looking confused. "I didn't kill anyone!"

"One of my officers said that you told him there was a body in your trunk."

"Well I can assure you there's not! Go ahead and look!" says the woman.

The chief opens the trunk to find it empty. Confused, the chief says "He also said that you didn't have the registration to this car because you stole it."

"Nonsense." says the woman and produces the valid registration.

"Hmmm. He also said the you had your license revoked for drunk-driving."

"Well here's my license!" says the woman as she hands the chief her license, "I bet that lying ****er told you I was speeding too!"
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Old 02-20-2003, 08:57 AM   #42
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a man walks into a bar
with a duck on his head. someone asks, why you got a duck on your head?".

the duck grunts: "what the hell you askin' him for, I got a man up my ass!"
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Old 03-09-2003, 08:02 PM   #43
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A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied,"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand, along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully whispered .....
"Clean my house!"
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Old 03-11-2003, 06:27 PM   #44
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Noah finally manages to beach the Ark on Mount Ararat and lets off all the animals, who go forth and repopulate the world. He sets up home with his family and goes about inventing wine and all the rest of it.

Then one day God appears again to him. "Noah! I want you to build another vessel for me!"

"Another one, my Lord?"

"Yes, even bigger and better than before"

"What for, my Lord?"

"It's for a single purpose, and I want it even more stupendous than last time, with 20 decks, each filled with fish tanks"

"What is your intention, my Lord? You mean to dry the Earth out and I'm to save all the creatures of the sea, two by two?"

"No, no, nothing like that, Noah. Just one creature this time. I want you to fill it full of koi"

"Whatever for?"

"Well, I've always wanted a multi-storey carp ark"
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Old 03-11-2003, 06:42 PM   #45
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this is the 'GOOD jokes' thread, *must reboot*
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