the show: 05-02-06

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Transcript - May 2, 2006

Ze: [Rambling] Good morning, sports racers it's Tuesday May second since I've seen you last I've slept for 220 minutes taken one rumple dumpskin and my average speed has been over 100 miles an hour. Join me as knowlege gets closer and closer to throwing up.

CUT to Ze in a seat on a passenger plane

Ze: Today I flew to france.


Ze: Air France gets a sports racer thumbs up. It's like a French theme park in the sky!

Extreme CU

Ze: They even talk funny.

Extreme CU (upangle)

Air France Airline Attendant: [Speaking with a french accent, presumably because she is french] All carry-on luggage must be placed underneath the seat in front of you, or in the overhead bin compartment. [Ze looks at camera.] Flight attendants, please prepare [something? "now"?] for departure and cross-check.

CUT to Ze in airplane bathroom

Ze: Then I went to the bathroom. It looked just like an [CUT to Ze looking in mirror fidding with his nose] American bathroom except their [CUT to airplane sink] toilets look like our sinks, and their [CUT to airplane toilet] sinks look like our toilets.


Ze: I even joined the Mile-High club.

Extreme CU

Ze: By myself.

CUT to picture of buckle eventually focusing on briefing card.

Ze: Sports racers always read the passenger safety briefing card.

CUT to economy life preserver picture

Ze: Air France Business is so much better than economy, even the [CUT to business class life preserver picture] cartoons are drawn better.

CUT to economy separation of emergency liferaft from airplane body

Ze: I hope other passengers know what the hell this picture means, [CUT to CU wine glass Ze in background with headphones] 'cause I'm gettin' drunk.

CUT to economy no smoking in lavatory reminder picture

Ze: The airline attendant said that there's federal regulations [CUT to CU] prohibiting the tampering with or destroying the smoke detector in the lavatory.

CUT to Ze

Ze: I'd hope that there were federal regulations prohibiting the tampering with or destroying any part of the fucking plane.


Ze: The smoke detectors are the least of my worry. Rip 'em out and use 'em as a frisbee, just don't fuck with the wings!

CUT to pan up from floor to glass doors of hotel room with view of many highrise buildings

Ze: Then I arrived in Cannes. My hotel is right next to the ocean!

CUT to bathroom door opening

Ze: And wouldn't you know it, it happened again. In this bathroom, their [CUT to hotel sink] toilet looked like our sink, [CUT to hotel toilet] and their sink looked like our toilet!

CUT WITH SLOW ZOOM IN to room service breakfast with a sizable saucer of coffee

Ze: I ordered some coffee but they made it look all sissy.

CUT to Men's Pocky and bottle of Coca Cola Blak with no top

Ze: Luckily I took a slice of New York with me: Men's Pocky and Coca Cola Blak!

Ze: Chilling out with Coca Cola, Blak!

Ze: A cola that's proud of who it is.

Ze: [Ze mouths the phrase "Something Something Coffee."] Coca Cola Blak, Asombroso {Spanish for "Amazing"}!

Extreme CU

Ze: I'm homesick and I wanna come home now.


Ze: I feel different here.

Ze: The problem with French people is like they always gotta be so french, y'know. Don't overdo it.

Ze: I just took a douche. That's how the French say "shower"!

Mouth-Only CU

Ze: Douche.

Extreme CU

Ze: Dooshte!

Ze: Douche?

Ze: A La La hahaha.

CUT to pouring Coca Cola Blak into a hotel glass

Ze: Coca Cola Blak; it pours as black as it tastes.

CUT to Ze slowly raising up phone, and rocking out

Ze: Oops, my phone is ringing.

[Sports Racer ringtone in background]


Ze: Thanks David for making that awesome Sports Racer ringtone!

Ze: Douche! ha ha.


Ze: [singing] In the League of Awesomeness Duh Dah Na, When you join, you're awesome!

CUT to Ze performing his power move, then approaching camera

Ze: ...Awesome.

CUT ZOOM IN to Sports Racer duck

Ze: The League of Awesomeness does not guarantee awesomeness to tools, dickheads, wanna-bes and hard chargers.

Ze: I'm losing my mind.

Ze: (sip) Holy shit that's black!

Ze: (sip) Holy shit!

Ze: (sip) Fuck!

Ze: (sip) Fuck!

Ze: (sip) Holy crap on mom's shoes!

Ze: (sip) Ohh, bitch!

Ze: This is Ze Frank thinking, so you don't have to.

Air France Airline Attendant: [Speaking with a french accent, presumably because she is french] ...must be turned off and stowed. Before the airplane moves, you must be seated with your seatbelts securely fastened.

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