the show: 05-10-06

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Transcript - May 10, 2006

Good morning Sports Racers. It's Wednesday, May 10. I'm in Barcelona, tired, lonely, and I miss Katie Couric's teeth.

This morning I took another flight on Austrian Arrows. I had to wait in line, so I felt like throwing up.

This plane was called the Fokker 100.

"Fokker". heehee. hee. hee. hee, "Fokker".

The long-armed lady has a really slanty head. I don't think Alberto Gonzalez would want this image online.

Airplanes have really little wheels. It reminds me of those guys at the gym who have really big upper bodies and tiny little calves. It doesn't look very safe.

This is the kinda plane I wanna ride. [image: plane with big fat wheels] If I land in one of these, I'd even clap like the rest of those jackasses.

I think whoever designed this was a little pessimistic. [image: cartoon planes crash landing] Not as pessimistic as Air Canada. [image: cartoon planes crash landing into mountains] But the pilot didn't even remember to extend the front landing gear. Just a small change would make a big difference. And realistically, unless we're like this [image: cartoon planes safely landed into water or land], the rest of the information on the card doesn't even matter.

But if they were smart, they would have hired a really optimistic designer. Someone like Bob Ross, who was just inducted into the League of Awesomeness Hall of Fame. He would have made it cool, with a little island and some trees and maybe a dog and a house.

In the Barcelona airport, they had all kinds of really cool signs. Some were confusing, so they used words to help me understand. Others were obvious, like the one for the really important testicle. Or the ones telling divorced parents to lock their giant baby in a suitcase. The Spanish are so macho, even their planes have balls.

In Spain, they have signs everywhere to help people learn the language. I guess "etiem" means "a bunch of tools".

Right now, you're looking at a bunch of pixels that form a mental representation of a large piece of paper infused with ink droplets that form a mental representation of the device used to capture the bunch of pixels. Whatever it is, it's definitely not a pipe. Jokes for nerds! Jokes for nerds! Uh-huh-huh.

[dejected] I don't have internet in this apartment. I can't even do something from the comments or anything. And everybody speaks Spanish. I even forgot how to clap.

Hey wait a minute! Tomorrow's tharcathtic Barthelona Thurthday! That's where I take the very last comment posted and talk about it in a sarcastic voice. I better go look for an internet cafe, or whatever the fuck they call 'em here.

S-s-s-something from the comments. Not really. Someone I will call...Sally, wrote..."why don't you do the blinking?" Heh heh, uh heh.

I avoid blinking because when I blink my left nostril dilates, which looks weird.

And that's all there is to comsume today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to. Oh, and hard chargers? Don't worry your spastic fart little heads - knowledge will return to the news when knowledge gets eenterrnet. Heh heh, uh heh.


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