the show: 07-17-06

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Good morning Sports Racers, it's Monday July 17th, I missed you this weekend—I really did.

Especially when I was throwing a bocce ball and I poked myself in the eye with my thumb. And then somebody asked me if I was okay, and in a high-pitched girl voice I said "no" while I was running to the bathroom. Man did I look cool. Good times!

On Friday we voted for the top 10 ugliest pages in the I knows me some ugly myspace showdown. Today we vote for the winner.

(song) I knows me some ugly, And you, you is ugly

Why vote? 'cause it's important.

I don't feel good, I'm nervous. 'Cause I have an audition. I've never had an audition for anything. I think it's just like this, but I have to say somebody else's words. Like, "Oh so you lost that one." There's so many different ways to say it.

(sympathetically) Oh, so you lost that one.
(finally understanding) Oh, so you lost that one.
(no big deal) Oh, so you lost that one.
Oh, so you lost that one?
(smiling) Oh, so you lost that one.

People I've never met are going to be watching me and I'm going to feel stupid. And they're going to be thinking things about me that I can't hear.

(person #1) Oh, he's fat. How'd he grow one man-boob?
(person #2) This guy sucks. But I'd do him.
(person #3) What is that on his nose?

I'm so nervous I don't even want to do it. If you were there it'd be more fun. I'm going to bring one of these along (holds up a head shot). Everyone tells me that having a head shot doesn't make you look like a dick. Damnit, now I only have 999 left.

(Nancy) George, you wanna go for a hot air balloon ride?
(George) Nancy, you know I'd love to, but what about my diarrhea. I might shit on myself... and you... and the balloon!

Assplug!! Assplug, an alternative to diapers. 'Cause if it can't get out it can't get on ya. Assplugs are prohibited in some states and should never be used as pacifers.

(sings) Sports Racer, racing sports, What is your power move?

(video of a little baby in a Trans Am T-shirt)
(off camera) Hey zeno, show me your power move
(baby sounds, the baby waves his arms)

Holy shit, that freaky baby is ripping me off. That creeped the hell out of me. How did it talk without moving its lips? It's like it's staring at you no matter where you move. Alright freaky baby, I brought the walnuts, you show me the gold.

That's all for today, not even any news. That freaky baby pissed me off.


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