the show: 10-19-06

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Female Sportsracer [from behind camera]: Go!

Male Sportsracer [sitting with monkey]: Live from the sacred monkey forests of Bali - it's The Show. [feeds monkey]

Ze: Huh, that ducky looks just like a monkey.

[snorts heavy mucus back up into nasal cavity] Today I'm coming atcha from a lovely little bed and breakfast in Camden, Maine. [pan of bedroom including a human figure lying under a patchwork quilt] I'm staying in a room that looks like Holly Hobby just hit menopause, yo. Strawberry Shortcake's right down the hall getting a sponge bath and waiting for her wheelchair to get fixed.

Aw, that shit was on my lunchbox in '82!

Mmm, that delicious, what is that?

Miss Shortcake, I call that a lung biscuit - or a throat cookie.

Nader writes "I'm through with the pooing and peeing and the penis all over the internet. How about a little somethin' highbrow?"

Nader I hear ya, but it ain't just the internet, it's everywhere. For example I loves me some foliage but ya gotta start wonderin' how come deciduous trees evolved to lose their leaves at all. They spend half the year all skanky, unable to get dick one from the sun. Those fat leaves are risky too - you get an early winter storm like you just did in Buffalo and the weight of the snow can snap a tree in half. Conifers with their tiny needles don't have that problem, and because they don't shed they can collect sunlight all year. So what up with the deciduous, yo? One theory is that shedding leaves is a great way for trees to get rid of waste. Towards Fall the trees pump all their crap up into the leaves. And when the leaves fall the tree goes 'poop'. I'm not kiddin'. It's kind of like once a year enema to give the tree a fresh start. So next time you rake up those leaves realise you're about to jump into a pile of tree shit.

The New York Times reports that a team of Russian and American scientists have created the heaviest element ever seen in a laboratory. Element 118 stuck around for less than one thousandth of a second and has yet to be named. My guess is those guys get to name it. I hope they name it something cool like 'Daggerfire', like 'Huskium'. When you discover some things you get to name it, like planets. "Xena".

With other things it's not so easy. For example, a friend of mine Gal discovered something, or at least a lack of something. He discovered although there's plenty of words in the English language for using a large vocabulary - loquacious, garrulous, voluble - there's no adjective that means you possess a large vocabulary. Being that he discovered it he figured he could name it. But what? Vocabulaire? "He's quite vocabulaire." No, Gal had a better idea. He sent the Oxford English Dictionary a letter petitioning them to include the word 'megagaltastic'. They replied that although they did not know of any word which means 'having an extensive vocabulary', having a word named after you is a bit complicated. You need at least five published instances of the word and it needs to stay around for a minimum of five years. So the next time you have to write a paper Sportsracers be sure to include the term 'megagaltastic'. We've only got five years to go.


The New York Times: Element 118, Heaviest Ever, Reported for 1,000th of a Second



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