the show: 02-07-07

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[song] Those sad little things that make us human, sad little things that make us human, sad little things that make us human, while we wait to d-[/song]

Some gorilla-style surfing... Hey sports racers, from the frigid waters of southern California, you're watching the show with zefrank.

dima7k writes a single word: "procrastination"

Ah yes, a sad little thing that makes us human, while we wait to d-

Dima, I'm-assuming... [ze cracks up...]... d- [further laughing]... it's late.

Dima, I'm assuming you don't know how to procrastinate, and let me assure you, you're missing out.

Procrastinating may seem easy, but you've gotta practice a bit before you become good at it.

First you have to choose the thing that you want to put off or avoid.

Since you're just starting out, choose something simple like exercising, or submitting your PowerMove. Make sure you think it's something you should do and eventually will.

If you put off things that you shouldn't do people'll call it "common sense" and you won't get any credit for it.

Make sure it's not procrastination itself that you're putting off by procrastinating--that'll make you undefined [jokesfornerds].

Now that you have the "what", we'll focus on the "how".

Beginning procrastinators should start with small, solvable tasks that are related to--but not identical to--the thing that's being put off.

If you find yourself doing something identical to the thing that you're putting off, you've failed and you should choose something else.

Start with things that give you momentary satisfaction and the illusion that you're getting closer to the thing that you're trying to avoid.

If it's exercise, try buying backup running shoes or putting Post-It's in fitness magazines.

If it's writing a thank-you email, try out all the fonts on your computer, or search for a new quote for your signature line.

The illusion that you're getting closer to your goal might make you feel like you're not actually procrastinating. Just to doublecheck, stop everything you're doing: you should start to feel a bit like utter crap.

Great! Now that the illusion's gone, you're ready to try some things that are only tangentially related to the thing that you're trying to avoid.

Start simply, but don't be afraid to extend yourself:

Clean your running shoes, then clean all of your shoes. Polish the leather ones, then polish your silverware.

Browse through your fonts, then download more fonts, then download pornography.

No matter what, though, don't forget that thing you're trying to put off. If you do you'll miss out on that feeling of wanting to throw up.

After a while, you may find yourself doing things that are even more involved than the thing that you're trying to avoid.

That's OK!

You might learn a whole new programming language to put off making something useful with the one you already know.

You might experience a whole career to put off building meaningful relationships and finding an inner sense of self-worth.

That's OK! [quick cut to ze drinking a mini-bottle of wine]

If you get very good at procrasting you'll find that you have many things that you want to put off at once.

If this happens, you're ready for more generalized procrastination techniques that can be applied to any situation.

These are called "addictions". [quick cut to ze taking another swig of that mini-bottle of wine]

For example, smoking allows you to avoid pretty much anything for five minutes every time you smoke.

Same goes for masturbation, sudoku, and heroin.

A good procrastination addiction should feel like you're inserting lots and lots of commas into the sentence of your life.

It should get harder to complete that sentence without stuttering...

...and noone blames a stutter-er.

The great thing about addictions is that if you ever run out of things to put off, you can always put off ending those addictions.

They're an old married couple, addiction and procrastination.

[Cut to image that gives the formula ]

This is what science says, link in the sidebar.

Sure, when you think about doing some things it's unexpectedly painful, like there's a force field between you and that event...

...but with procrastination you can unlock plenty more nasty hidden inside.

[Cut to black]...psst!

[ze's back]...but before you do, upload something for the Video For Ray project, and upload your PowerMove by Friday, 'cause the Awesomeness Challenge starts next week.

Oerd, Yayeah!

This show's sponsors - Gimme some candy

Image:theshow-sponsor-3-0.gif    lunch ladies live! from J and Sh

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-3.gif    Goodness! Ze in a suit is HOT. fans self

Image:theshow-sponsor-2-2.gif    Happy Birthday, Michael!

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