the show: 04-10-06

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(the commentary: 04-10-06)


It's Monday, April 10th. Grab a towel and a peanut, knowledge is trying to save a drowning elephant. You know how much I like you? Like ffth, eigh, ni ten, fortyn-seven, ni, six-th, ty, four. I don't know.

S-s-s-something from the comments, mini!

Stuckino approximately writes: "Do I have to leave a long and boring comment to become a Sports Racer Sidekick?" No. Just send me your power move. Maiko did. (Shot of Maiko's power move) Maiko from now on your sports racer name is Sparklebeauty.

Last week, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was asked whether the administration believes it has the authority to wiretap purely domestic calls between two Americans, without seeking a warrant. He responded, quote unquote, "I'm not going to rule it out."

(on the phone) Mom, hold on a sec. Alberto, if you're listening, kiss my ass. Sorry, mom, what were you saying?

This weekend, I was in Syracuse, New York, a city known for its… (long pause) …people, and cars. I was introduced to this local delicacy beverage, Genesee Cream Ale. Says right here it's award-winning. (crack open, sniff bouquet) What is that aroma? Lemons? No. Not wildflowers. (sniff, grin) I got it, it's shit.

The New Yorker Magazine released an article that says the Bush administration, while publicly advocating diplomacy, has increased planning for a possible major air attack on Iran. In order to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons that it might use inappropriately, the Bush administration has reportedly not ruled out using its own nuclear weapons.

(sings) Who likes the little little duckies in the pond? I do, I do, I do, k-chicka quack quack.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan came under fire for having said that the National Intelligence estimate was officially declassified on July 18th, 2003.

According to insurgence by Scooter Libby, President Bush had authorized him to disclose certain parts of that document to the media ten days earlier.

During a press conference on Friday, Mr. McClellan defended himself by saying "I was referring to the fact that, yes, it's officially declassified today, but that doesn't get into the issue of when everything was declassified."

(scared/weirded out look)

Mr. McClellan went on to say that it was flat out false that the administration had manipulated or misused pre-war intelligence to buttress its case for war. This came days after Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald released a report describing a, quote, "concerted action by multiple people in the White House to discredit, punish, or seek revenge against a critic of President Bush's war in Iraq."

Scotty, after all this is over, you can be my spokesperson.

S-s-s-something from the comments, email edition.

An anonymous girl writes: "Hi, my name is Chanelle and I was wondering if you could teach me how to French Kiss, because I really want to with this boy in my class but I'm scared because I don't know how. Please help."

Chanelle, because you wrote your email in purple and misspelled the word really, I assume you're in your mid-twenties and the class you're referring to is a law school class. Chanelle instead of French kissing maybe you should learn about American kissing. Remember the French don't support us when we invade countries without justification, and the word freedom doesn't even exist in their language; nor, for that matter, does almost any other English word. American kissing combines the skills that American mouths are good at, eating and talking. First, make sure that both of you are chewing gum. Then, at an opportune time, preferably in the evening, stare at each other, without talking, long enough so that both of you look stupid. Now lean in, and while chewing your gum begin talking about anything that comes to mind. When you're done, try to bite his teeth with yours, then say "ow" and pull away. Happy kissing.

CNN reports that the Rolling Stones made their Chinese debut at Shanghai's 8,000 seat indoor stadium where, quote, "the audience was overwhelmingly foreign." Duh, they were in China.

And that's all that happened today. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

(sips Genesee, flinches, grins)


First use of duckies song/jingle.

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