the show: 04-20-06

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(the commentary: 04-20-06)


(Ze sings)

Cheery, cheery, bright and cheery, all the duckies far and neary, burn them, burn them.

(Ze stops singing)

Good morning Sports Racers, it's Thursday, April 20. Will somebody explain to me why after I eat hot food my butt burns, while other people don't experience this at all? Knowledge knows, but won't tell me.

I'd like to share with you a funny anecdote. When I was in line today at Starbucks, the barista told the person who was in front of me that I order Grande Half- because I can't handle the regular coffee. (laughs) Kill me.

Something from the neighborhood.

Public Service Announcement: If the person that owns this house invites you to a barbecue on their deck, don't go. It's a trap!

On the subway, babies keep lookin' at me. Assholes!

My neighbor told me that I look tired today. Telling someone that they're tired is like telling someone that they have a bad sunburn.

Oooh, that looks like it hurts!

They probably already know, and you just look like a dick.

I'm tired because my cat woke me up. Asshole.

Sports Racer, racing sports! What's your power move?

John writes, "Hey Ze! See our super sports racer group power move."

Super? Like superheroes? That's a little sissy, don't you think? It's like what kids play with. In the League of Awesomeness there's no such thing as super. Let's see how good your power move really is.

(Powermove is shown)

Yes, yes, yes, that is a good power move! Yes! That was so awesome. You guys look so cool! Welcome to the League of Awesomeness. From the bottom left going clockwise, I name you Twinkle, Buddy, Ruff-ruff, and Blade.

S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-something from the comments!

Karen writes, "Ze, just got the mail about how Congress will be voting soon on the law that will give corporations control over the internet. What says Knowledge?"

Karen, if is sending out a petition, the battle's already been lost. MoveOn formed to stop the impeachment of President Clinton.

That worked.

Then they backed Howard Dean, Al Gore, and John Kerry...

(shrugs and smiles)

...opposed the war in Afghanistan,...

(blows raspberry)


(close-up of Ze's lips while he imitates a bomb dropping and exploding)

...and are now fighting a hopeless battle against the government's bitch, AT&T. AT&T owns most of the wires that connect you to the internet. They essentially want to create fast lanes and slow lanes for the delivery of online content. AT&T would charge companies to gain access to the highest transfer speeds. They could also block any company they wanted from gaining access to the high-speed lanes and force them to use the slow-speed lanes. This would destroy competition from small, innovative players that've, so far, helped shape the internet. And AT&T could return to being the diarrhea-soaked, butt-fart, squirrel-knocker Monopoly is was in the 80's.

According to a statement last week from a former employee, AT&T has let the government listen in on our phone conversations. AT&T figures that since they bent over and took it for the government, they should be entitled to give it to someone. And that "someone" is us.

This issue of net neutrality sounds complicated, and because of that, no one will really care. MoveOn thinks that through education and petition-signing, we can stop these Hard Chargers. But Carl Rove taught us is that what we need is some good, old-fashioned name-calling. Asshole.

Everything else is trivial. This is Ze Frank, thinking so you don't have to.

Today's secret Sports Racer word is "howdy." Use that word to tell whether someone really is a Sports Racer.

(laughs) Kill me.


First(?) story about a baby. Who is an asshole.

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